Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Joke Away and Riddles Plus! Actually, No Riddles.

So, a rapist, a racist and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says "get the fuck out of here! I can't make anything funny out of this situation!"

So. An alligator walks into a bar. This is a different bar. It's in Florida I guess. Anyway, the patrons all jump up on the bar, on the tables, screaming - the bartender calls animal control and says "There's a goddamn alligator in my bar! Send somebody quick!" All the patrons sit tight while the 'gator sort of plods and swooshes around the floor area. After what seems like a long time, animal control pulls up with a screech and a couple guys come running in with a noose-pole and other 'gator-wrangling accoutrements. The bartender asks them "What took you so long? Is that how you react when an alligator walks into a bar?" The animal control guy says, "We were trying to think of a punchline!"

So, a um. biblical literalist walks into a bar where the bartender is a theoretical physicist. The theoretical physicist bartender asks the biblical literalist "What'll you have?" The biblical literalist says, "Glenlivet and soda, rocks, splash of bitters." The theoretical physicist bartender says: "Coming up!" The biblical literalist asks the bartender, "Say, what's a theoretical physicist doing tending bar?" He...he...

Damn dudes. These things are really hard to make up!

I don't know how people do it.


TimT said...

Suggest you don't try it that way. Suggest working backwards. Suggest some punchlines to start with:

1) Fungus, fungus, fungus!

2) A snake quibbling!

3) Gumby's Ma, my lord - Gumby's Ma!

4) Concrete! Concrete for sale!

5) Higgs Boson? What do you mean? I was talking about that Bozo's Pigs!

dogimo said...

These all pretty much stand alone! One-liners.

I like the idea of the technique, though. I may try to work that in, at some point. The only problem is tracing it back to the omnipresent bar.

I mean, when you start from the start, you're golden. Just make sure you start with something walking into a bar, and you've satisfied the requirements of the form.

TimT said...

Well I was thinking about the jokes I knew when I wrote that, and very few of them did start in a bar. I learnt most of my jokes as a kid - I suppose a lot of people did. You wouldn't be able to guess how the start from how they end - a lot of set up happens in the rest of a joke to make a punchline funny:

'It was the pup that popped into the pulpit pooped and popped out again'


TimT said...

I quite like this one, a recent addition:

Mud Crab and Sand Crab were two friends. Mud Crab lived a virtuous life, always giving to the poor and saying his prayers every day. Sand Crab lived a sinful life, doing every drug under the sun, and forgetting to call his mother on the weekends.

One day they both died and went to the Pearly Gates, where St Peter was waiting for them.

Up comes Mud Crab, and St Peter duly consults the books. 'Mud Crab!' he says. 'Well done! Good job. Come right in!'

Next Sand Crab comes, and St Peter doubtfully furrows his brows as he goes through the books again. Eventually he shakes his head, and says, 'I'm sorry Sand Crab. You'll have to go... to that other place.'

Mud Crab is having a nice time in heaven, but one day he starts to miss Sand Crab. So he goes to St Peter and says, 'do you mind if I go visiting'?

'Hmm,' says St Peter, 'This is highly irregular, but all right. But you have to remember to be back before midnight.'
'I will!' says Mud Crab.
'Now, have you got your coat?'
'Yes,' says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your wings?'
'Yes,' says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your halo?'
'Yes,' says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your harp?'
'Yes,' says Mud Crab.

So down Mud Crab goes to hell, and what does he see? Sand Crab is living in a GIGANTIC DISCO.
'Sand Crab!' cries Mud Crab.
'Mud Crab!' cries Sand Crab.
And the two friends have a great time, discoing and boogeying for hours and hours. But suddenly, Mud Crab sees what the time is - 5 to 12 - and realises he has only minutes to get home again, so he grabs everything he can and runs up to heaven again.

'Mud Crab, Mud Crab, good to see you back! But have you got everything?' says St Peter.
'Yeeeees', says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your cloak?'
'Yes' says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your wings?'
'Yes', says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your halo?'
'Yes', says Mud Crab.
'Have you got your harp?'
'.....' Mud Crab hangs his head.


Er. Hmmmmm... well, anyway, it doesn't have a bar in it.

TimT said...

Wait. I've got some punhclines for you.

1) A rapist, a paedophile, a racist, and the President walk into the bar.

The first three ask for a drink and each gets knocked back with a 'no, sir. We don't serve your kind around here.'

Next the President asks for a drink. 'Well sir, why should weserve you if this is the company you keep?'
'Because... I'm better than them.' says the President.
'And why's that?'
'Because under my government, you get screwed when you're young, you get screwed when you're old, and it doesn't matter if you're black and white, you'll get screwed anyway.'

So the President gets his drink. (Sorry, I feel a bit mean after that one. The genre made me do it.)

2) Skip to the punchline. 'Because the long arm of the law was short a hand on the floor to meet the jaws in the door'.

3) 'I don't believe you're serving drinks, and you can't prove that I bought them. Now give me my beer.'


dogimo said...

This is good stuff, dude! This is good stuff. Are you doing this regularly? You should make it a regular feature!

It almost seems like joke writing is like songwriting, there. Like, you keep doing it, the more material you get, you keep doing it!

Mel said...

There just HAS to be one that begins with "So Christopher Walken to a bar..." but I don't wanna Google it... I want to let its potential remain unlimited.