Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

This Post Contains Chemicals Known to the State of California

The implications of a State knowing things are a little unsettling. I see signs posted up time to time, "contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer." The State of California knows things?

Who exactly participates in this knowledge? Shouldn't all of us, all Californians? There's some kind of untapped Jungian psyche out there, and they've cut us off from it? What else does the State of California know that you and I don't?

Hell, for all I know, you do know. It's like some collective unconsious, except it's not for the whole collective, it's a consciousness of privilege that only the elite and ensconced can tap into. That's pretty weak. Imagine being able to just stick your finger upside your head with a faraway look and reel off a whole list of chemicals known to you (and of course, to the greater State) to cause cancer! Wouldn't this be in the State's best interest? Get the word out! I don't see why some of us are shut out, of what the whole State supposedly knows.

Maybe it's just native-born Californians. Well I say that's bullshit, but apparently my say means pretty little.

I mean, I know some of those chemicals, sure! Some of them are pretty famous. I guess...nicotine? No wait. Maybe not. I think nicotine's clean on the cancer charge. Nicotine's just the buddy chemical, right? Carcinogen wingman. The one with the addictive personality, coolest dude in the world who inexplicably hangs out with this toxic crowd. And what you don't realize is, that's his whole purpose there - to draw you in, keep you coming back, subjecting yourself.

But it's not like he needs to bother! Those "chemicals known" are everywhere. Total saturation deal. Hell, my body right now probably contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer. I'm sure of it.

I want to print up t-shirts with a Prop 65 warning, so people can wear them. WARNING. This human being contains chemicals known to the State of California to Cause Cancer. I'd be a little worried though, because if somebody really loved the shirt and wore it a lot, what if they got cancer? They might think there's a troubling link. I guess I could print up another batch of shirts for those people: WARNING. This person ACTUALLY HAS Cancer. And then when the person wearing that shirt ran into the other shirt on someone, they would be like, "I wouldn't wear that shirt too much if I were you." It would be like a public service message.

Against cigarettes, maybe? Sort of symbolically? By allusion. Because t-shirts can't actually cause cancer!

I mean, except if the fabric is impregnated with a heavy load of certain unspecified chemicals that the State of California is so keen to hint around about all the time. Then they could. But I want to stress that I would take all reasonable and statutory precautions that my t-shirts would be free of such contamination! I will not have my shirt-making workers subjected to that unsafe, toxic work environment.

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