Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

So As Long As We're STILL Talking About Marriage, How About a Practical Improvement to the Institution?

Am I supposed to capitalize the word "As," in that title?

Ahem. Getting back to the topic, there should be a machine.....THE MARRIAGULATOR....and you and your intended step into it single, and are pitched out the other side MARRIED!

There has to be at least one witness, who stands outside the machine viewing the proceedings on a monitor and has their hand on the emergency "IF ANYONE HERE OBJECTS" button at all times. It's the witness's job to protect that button, because if that button gets hit, the intendeds are spat out the single side! And then they're like, "Hey asshole! What the hell, what's the objection?! WHO PRESSED THAT BUTTON?"

"Now we have to put in another $2.50!"

Inputs include:

1. the marriage license,

2. legal IDs for the intendeds and also for the official witness,

3. handprint identifications of same, scanned on a hi-tech looking panel. There should be some bright light effect that sweeps up and down the hand when you press it against the panel.

4. photographic evidence taken of same,

5. voiceprint ID recorded from each, and

6. the intendeds themselves. Naturally! Without that input, nothing's going to come out the other end.

7. Two dollars and fifty cents, plus any applicable state taxes and fees.

All of these are input into the machine (the witness stands outside, as we've said). The soon-to-be-weds step into the large, padded main chamber of the hulking, metallic booth. It's kind of like the Doctor's TARDIS, except not bigger on the inside than the outside (which would be prohibitively expensive). But the inside is nonetheless nothing to sneeze at! Upholstered in rich, Corinthian leather. Tan and silver trimmings. That "new marriage" smell.

The chamber seals.

Then it LIFTS UP, on an apparatus like a mechanical bull!! The couple is tossed and jostled against each other, protected from side and top impacts by the padding, as the machine SHOUTS THE VOWS (or whatever - the official terms & conditions, etc) at them, in a ROBOT VOICE! The couple gives the responses as directed, which the machine records duly until - CLIMAX OF THE CEREMONY:

The lights dim,

A glow suffuses the couple from all sides,

(Each soon-to-be-spouse picks a color as "your favorite color," chosen from a touchscreen color wheel during the input phase. I forgot that. Go back and mentally add that at about five and a half of the inputs, it's not exactly's a little on the needlessly decorative side, but still kind of cool to see the combined glow of our two favorite colors, and what that combination forebodes! Right? A touch of mysticism is traditional in these things. Getting back to the climax of the ceremony, now.

Parentheses close.

The chamber settles....

...the machine asks and gets the final "I do's" - each from each, and each validated against the previously-sampled voiceprint!

Outside, the witness verifies, by simply flipping up the protective cover and turning one of those nuclear-release keys! You know, like they use in movies to verify launch of ballistic missiles. Except in this case, there is only one key, and consequently no bullshit "it must be absolutely simultaneous!" requirement.

The ceremony is now complete. The exit door unseals, and the robot voice booms:


Happy kiss! Fanfare of synth trumpets, as the now-marrieds exit!

The fanfare should sound a little like a midi version of the Tron theme, maybe. OR DUBSTEP. Dubstep also acceptable. Or better yet - Daft Punk, perfect. Have they written a wedding song yet? I have one they could use! Call me up, Daft Punk!

Annnnnd another happy spousal unit exits the chamber in triumph.

How about it, right? Anybody got a SERIOUS reason why the heck not? This would make the whole marriage process considerably cheaper, if nothing else. Yet as you can see from all the pageantry, there would be absolutely no loss in sanctity, and no encheapening of the institution of marriage itself. Clearly with all of that going into it, a very big deal indeed has been made, of marriage. Nothing of any consequence has been given short shrift, or even medium shrift. The MARRIAGULATOR gives full shrift to every ceremony it performs!

Oh shoot, wait! I forgot to mention - and this is very important detail for many many of our walking betrothed! Of course, for those couples who wish to include a celebrant in there, they can take one in with them. Add that to "inputs," if so - at about five and a half. You'd get a voiceprint and hand scan et cetera from the celebrant as well, and at the appropriate time the robot voice would solemnly intone: "DO YOU, CELEBRANT'S NAME, BLESS AND SANCTIFY INCLUDE ADDITIONAL WORDING THIS UNION BY THE POWER VESTED IN YOU BY..."

Into that dramatic pause, the celebrant would then shout, "God! Yes!" Or whatever other appropriate deity/entity/higher power pet name is preferred. And then followed by, "Yes."



dogimo said...

I've also got an elaborately worked-out specification for the (mall-based?) reception hall in which couples just married could party with their respective parties, in a communal setting! Slamming buffet for all. Bartender checking IDs. Excellent e-dj on the premises for the communal dance floor. No one gets in without being attached to one of the weddings. No reserved seating, except one "wedding party only" table for each couple - all other tables are open seating. Must book hall space at least 15 days in advance.

I'm the king of practical ideas.

Jen said...

1. I have never seen anybody work "full shrift" into a sentence before. Let alone italicized. Congratulations.

2. When do you think up these elaborately detailed scenarios? Lying in bed at night trying to sleep? Or do you have a job that occupies the hands but leaves the mind free to wander?

dogimo said...

2. A scenario like this is never worked out. It starts from the premise and everything else just clicks into place, inevitable! There was never any part of the development that could have gone otherwise on this bad boy, far as I know. Oh OK - maybe some of the specific details, like the price or the decor or minor things like that.

1. Thanks! I was thinking maybe "long shrift" as the opposite of "short shrift," but then I realized, long would be too much shrift.