Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Tough Topics #33: Cultural Implications and Repercussions of "What If The Trojan Horse Had Been A Pinata Instead?"

I have a very principled staunch stance that I carry through wherever I go or don't go: wherever possible, things should be done for no reason. This makes it very hard for enemies to predict, as they sit preparing for your attack and you surprise them with a guerrilla pinata party! Just make sure YOU BRING THE PINATA. Otherwise, they may just hang you up for the purpose. They are your enemies after all. You can't be too careful.

HEY! THERE SHOULD BE A VERSION OF THE ILIAD WHERE THE GREEKS HIDE INSIDE A BIG PINATA!!! And then those dumb Trojans drag that huge thing in, hang it up - TROJAN 1: "MAN, THIS IS HEAVY!" TROJAN 2: "WHAT KIND OF AWESOME CANDY MUST BE IN HERE?" - the whole city starts partying, drinking spiked Troy Victory War Punch, whacking away at that big ol' pinata until suddenly - *BURST!!* out come the Greeks.

Out comes the slaughter and rape and pillage - not simply womenfolk-rape either, but menfolk-rape and childfolk-rape! A sizeable contingent of the Greek invasion force were Athenians. I can say that because I'm Greek. Well, I'm Greek-Irish, but the Irish stereotypes aren't nearly as transgressive to our modern mores as the Greek ones, where big tough soldiers wouldn't shirk from butt-raping the enemy - not furtively, and away from the censorious eyes of one's commanders like the Knights of England might! No. Raucously, right out in the open! Raucously, I tell you. As a thing to brag on.

Folks, behavior like that is transgressive on too many levels of modern society for a lot of us to even deal with. First - well, the basic ingrained homophobia! Most of our straight-laced society, timidly insistent on the usual pruderies, runs screaming from the idea of two dignified, urbane dudes buttfucking even consensually. Let alone a horde of onrushing, randy half-naked Greeks in helmets! Holy shit, that's an ad campaign, huh Trojans? You want homophobia - there's a sight to phobe home over! Second, these guys were basically, "The Troops" of their day. For their country. Analogous to our "The Troops." Yet that's how they behaved! To us, imagine if our troops were like - praised for behavior like that? And it was just accepted, encouraged? What would Army recruitment ads even look like?

But to them, to those Greeks, the most feared warriors of their day even prior to the post-scuffle cockstuffing-of-butts, this buttrape of conquest was a patriotic act. Also, third: these dudes were - as far as they were concerned - the manliest men around. And would prove it on you. Not just by beating you in a fight, but by then making sweet, sweet (for them more than for you, probably) love to you.

Now, we here in our modern age find that combination a hard contradiction to process. The grim-eyed soldier, the hardened professional warrior as fighter-lover-buggerer-rapist. How does our modern mind grasp this seeming two-in-one-combo?

We can't.

As evidenced by our common slogan: "I'm a lover, not a fighter." A proud myrmidon in the Greek force was like, "Fuck you. I'm both." We just shake our heads: incomprehensible. Fourthly, and most obviously: just the aspect of nonconsensuality involved. That's extraordinarily repugnant to us, as you know. Is rape funny? Fuck NO it isn't. Not to us, you son of a bitch!! And you bet it was even less funny for people who'd just fought to exhaustion, received wounds, had comrades die around them - I assure you there was no humor in it in the eyes and hearts (and, you know) of the defeated and violated enemy. Yet, we're supposed to picture that as part of the makeup and behavior of a hero! It was considered part of heroism, and conquest in general, to pole the other guy's vault. This, to us, is atrocious, abominable - not just transgressive, it's barbaric! That's how we consider it. And "Rightly so!" we say - and so do I! Because it's fucked up. But to the ancient Greeks, it wasn't. They would be like "What? What do you even mean?" And if you persisted in your disgust at their actions, they'd probably be like "There's only one way to settle this. Let's fight over it."

At that point, just walk away. Better just walk away. Backwards.

Man, isn't it weird how that whole sweet cute little idea of a Trojan pinata turned all ugly on us? Sorry guys, but sometimes I have to bring in the nasty aspects of what war was. I can't take a thought halfway to its inevitable conclusion, only to shy away just because I belatedly see where it's going. I'm a bonafide cultural historian, we can't all just avert our eyes from the unpleasant aspects of the past. Otherwise, we shall be doomed to see those same atrocious acts, reenacted in our own day, as part of a titillating HBO series.

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