If I've got to go, and I've got to go by a means of my own devising (which, by the way, I don't - not on either count - but nevertheless), if the time comes when I can't stand the physical or psychic pain of this here life no longer, and I've just got to END IT ALL - I am going to take up sky-diving.
Sky-diving is by far and away the best way to go, suicide-wise.
If I shoot myself in the head - who am I trying to fool, buddy? People are supposed to feel sorry for me, when I'm clearly some kind of bitter, angry jerk who just wants to leave the biggest possible mess behind for others to clean up? That's such a wuss move*. Total passive-aggressive bullshit! And everybody knows it, nobody is getting fooled by that maneuver. You might as well hang a sign on your back. Then you have your pills or poison...I don't know, this seems like the least reliable method! People accuse you of a cry for help, when you were dead serious. I would NOT be in the mood to entertain hearing some shit like that at that point! I'd be like, "Cry for help? I'll give you something to cry for help about!!"
Sky-diving is definitely the most comprehensive and considerate form of suicide. I mean, you slit your wrists in the tub - everybody else is going to want to slit theirs! It's AWFUL! It's depressing. They all have to start moping around, saying things like "aw, he or she must have been in such terrible pain...and we never knew...it just goes to show how even when someone seems happy they're probably dying on the inside!" Who wants to perpetuate that bullshit? It's a myth, anyhow. Most people don't want to kill themselves.
Do they?
Shoot, I hope not. That'd really suck if they did.
Anyway, "But for those who do..." - why not sky-dive? That's how I'd do it. A thrilling and graceful exit!
When you SKY-DIVE...hey! Everybody's like, "Oh, a tragedy! How awful! - but at least he or she died living life to the fullest. He or she was always so vibrant, so full of love of life and hope and beauty, just thrilled to face each day...he or she was just a testament to the enduring power of the fullness of the joy of life, and an inspiration to all around. And that's how we'll always remember him or her!"
See what I'm saying? Isn't that the better way to go?
It's perfect. No one else needs to feel guilty, or even all that sad. You're responsible for packing your own jetpack, right? Or backpack, whatever they call it - what do they call it? Parachute! And then when you're really, really ready to go (get a few/half-dozen solo jumps under your belt first! #1 to make the whole thing look plausible, but #2 because you don't want your instructor to feel bad, like you weren't properly trained, when that final jump goes south), you just take that parachute and you pack it in all bad, so it can't open right. Same with the other chute. You get a spare.
And then - WHOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!
All the way down!
Far as anybody knows, you went out happy.
Sky-diving is by far and away the best way to go, suicide-wise.
If I shoot myself in the head - who am I trying to fool, buddy? People are supposed to feel sorry for me, when I'm clearly some kind of bitter, angry jerk who just wants to leave the biggest possible mess behind for others to clean up? That's such a wuss move*. Total passive-aggressive bullshit! And everybody knows it, nobody is getting fooled by that maneuver. You might as well hang a sign on your back. Then you have your pills or poison...I don't know, this seems like the least reliable method! People accuse you of a cry for help, when you were dead serious. I would NOT be in the mood to entertain hearing some shit like that at that point! I'd be like, "Cry for help? I'll give you something to cry for help about!!"
Sky-diving is definitely the most comprehensive and considerate form of suicide. I mean, you slit your wrists in the tub - everybody else is going to want to slit theirs! It's AWFUL! It's depressing. They all have to start moping around, saying things like "aw, he or she must have been in such terrible pain...and we never knew...it just goes to show how even when someone seems happy they're probably dying on the inside!" Who wants to perpetuate that bullshit? It's a myth, anyhow. Most people don't want to kill themselves.
Do they?
Shoot, I hope not. That'd really suck if they did.
Anyway, "But for those who do..." - why not sky-dive? That's how I'd do it. A thrilling and graceful exit!
When you SKY-DIVE...hey! Everybody's like, "Oh, a tragedy! How awful! - but at least he or she died living life to the fullest. He or she was always so vibrant, so full of love of life and hope and beauty, just thrilled to face each day...he or she was just a testament to the enduring power of the fullness of the joy of life, and an inspiration to all around. And that's how we'll always remember him or her!"
See what I'm saying? Isn't that the better way to go?
It's perfect. No one else needs to feel guilty, or even all that sad. You're responsible for packing your own jetpack, right? Or backpack, whatever they call it - what do they call it? Parachute! And then when you're really, really ready to go (get a few/half-dozen solo jumps under your belt first! #1 to make the whole thing look plausible, but #2 because you don't want your instructor to feel bad, like you weren't properly trained, when that final jump goes south), you just take that parachute and you pack it in all bad, so it can't open right. Same with the other chute. You get a spare.
And then - WHOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!
All the way down!
Far as anybody knows, you went out happy.
Comments
Anna said...
I thought the best way to kill yourself was to glue your hands to the sides of your head, then hang yourself with cheesewire. It'll look like you pulled your own head off.
I'm a wild blackberry..super tasty.
JUNE 29, 2009 9:45 PM
dogimo said...
I LOVE blackberries. I still go blackberry picking, every year it doesn't somehow slip past me.
As I recall, my next-younger sister used to go determinedly wild some summers, filling up big tupperware bins with sweet plump blackberries from up and down the neighborhood's ample brambles, so that she could then parcel out her bumper crop into good-sized portions and SELL it at a fat profit to the other kids!
She'll deny it, but it's all true.
JUNE 29, 2009 9:49 PM