My New Anti-Vampire Plan!

Alright. You want to know what it is? Here it is: holy water. Holy water dissolves vampires. We don't know why it works - the very idea seems to run completely contrary to known scientific principles. But we do know that it does work. And even if Science can't explain it, there's one thing Science never disputes: proven, repeatable results. Every time you take an actual vampire and immerse it in holy water, we know what happens: it dissolves. Usually with a lot of thrashing and shrieking.

Holy water works.

But "so what?" you say. "We've known about holy water for years. What's so quote-unquote 'new' about that?" you say.

Well as Eric Clapton would say, it's in the way that you use it! Or to be more specific: it's the delivery system, stupid.

For once, let's get Science and the Church to work together on this one. Vampires are a bigger problem than whatever piddling little beefs these two have between them. Church: work with Science! Science: bow your humbled head for just this important project! The Church needs your know-how. You need their holy roll! Just both sides get together on this and figure out some kind of hi-tech yet consecrated way to seed rainclouds in such a fashion that the very rain they produce rains down holy. The vampires will be caught completely off guard.

These damn vampires. Walking around all goth, so smug and fashionable. Laced up with ungodly amounts of laces laced across their black cloth and leather ensembles with their ruffled blood-red ruffs peeking out of the sleeve cuffs, or what have you. DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU FOUL, BLOOD-SUCKING KILLERS! You think you are oh so civilized and monstrous, but in fact you are merely beasts! Demons, making a mockery of human form! And your day will come!

Or more precisely...your night will come. You will be strolling the wet, light-streaked darkened city streets, lazily eyeing your prospective prey as it throngs around you laughing, full of light and life and joy and wonder. And you wish only to cut life short, to gorge yourself on life's blood. When the crash of thunder rolls overhead, and the girls and boys dart for the doorways laughing, you will let out a low chuckle. "What is lightning to me? What is the storm to one such as I? I who am invulnerable to such things."

Then down comes the rain. HA!! How about some HOLY WATER for your FACE!? HUH!? How about it, Dracuella? You LIKE THAT?? That's RIGHT! YEAH!!! MELT!! Melt like a brown-sugar cinnamon WITCH you thrice-damned undead devil's thrall! Die and die and die, die again! Die finally, you thing of death.

Man, if there's one thing I can't fucking stand it's vampires.