I have never once palmed, pocketed or otherwise stolen silverware from an eating establishment of any kind. Never.
But this past weekend, I had the urge real bad. It wasn't even such good silverware! But I wanted it. It was clean, it was wrapped in a napkin, I didn't use or need it for my burger and fries, but I'm just so sick of the dishes needing to be done, and damn it, this silverware was clean! I had the urge. I just wanted to slip that napkin-wrapped fork-knife assortment (ok, technically one fork and one knife) in my most commodious pocket and call it a one-time lapse of judgment and morals. That's how it happens, that's all that matters - the urge takes over, it isn't based on sensible reasons.
But did I do it? NO! I fought that urge down.
It was easy, in fact. I don't understand what the big deal is. Kleptomaniacs are pusses.
But this past weekend, I had the urge real bad. It wasn't even such good silverware! But I wanted it. It was clean, it was wrapped in a napkin, I didn't use or need it for my burger and fries, but I'm just so sick of the dishes needing to be done, and damn it, this silverware was clean! I had the urge. I just wanted to slip that napkin-wrapped fork-knife assortment (ok, technically one fork and one knife) in my most commodious pocket and call it a one-time lapse of judgment and morals. That's how it happens, that's all that matters - the urge takes over, it isn't based on sensible reasons.
But did I do it? NO! I fought that urge down.
It was easy, in fact. I don't understand what the big deal is. Kleptomaniacs are pusses.
Comments
I, of course, have quite an extensive criminal background of such aquirements.
It all began back in England (most Aussies can trace their criminality back to English convicts) where I stole a knife... and, admittedly, stupidly, took photograph evidence.
http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/2032/knifep.jpg
We were so poor we couldn't afford a proper lunch so we bought some bread rolls and a tin of "turkey" meat. And then realised we had no way of putting said meat on said roll. So, a quick nip into the cafe nearby, and, voila!
If I recall, the reason for the pic was to help us ask for a raise at work. See what you've reduced us to boss! I don't think we ended up showing him.
But stay strong Joe, the first step in the wrong direction, and like you say, it's a slippery slope from there.
I have stolen napkins from a fancy NY restaurant that has them in the ladies room instead of towels. They're just the plain white napkins, and they have shelves and shelves of them. This is a place that charges a lot of money (a lot of money) for their food, and they also give our family and other loyal patrons Christmas gifts and stuff (cookbooks, knives), so I don't think they really care. Those napkins probably cost them pennies. I've probably taken a total of 20-30 in my life.
I can't think of anything else I've filched from a restau. From a hotel, yes, but not a restaurant. Oh! Wait! One time at the Roxy I was annoyed they didn't ever give me a little plastic container for my ranch/mayo/mustard/whatever when I took home leftovers, so I took their little reusable plastic ramekin. I was a bit intoxicated at the time, but I don't feel guilty anyway. I've been a loyal patron, tipping heavily, and bringing in lots of business since they opened. They can give me a ramekin. Or I can take one.
@Mel - sure that's not a plastic knife? (hey nice jacket! purple corduroy)
@Blue - I had to google ramekin. I know I've heard the word many times, but I couldn't bring a picture to mind. I see those all the time! Isn't there another word for that item?
Creme brulee goes in there - albeit, not in a plastic ramekin! It goes in a ceramic ramekin.
Oooo. "Ceramic ramekin."
Ceramic ramekin.
That was my phase when I was all about corduroy.
In high school, when they did one of the random ATF locker searches, one of my friends got busted. His entire locker was filled with cafeteria silverware. Last I heard he was an army chaplain.
@Elliott - what did she say!? That's hilarious!
Somehow it seems less immoral to load somebody else down with stolen goods as a fun prank, than to steal something yourself. At least...you know...when we're just talking about silverware or something!
You did more than slip her some illicit silver, you've laid the snare for her to continue on down that dark path! You're a MASTERMIND!
You're like...one of those darkside jedis or something.