Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Lay's Plain! Let's Hear It For.

Can I recommend a delicious product to you? Lay's classic potato chips. Those things are good. Man, you can eat as many of those things as you want, and you'll still be eating them.

Flavor? PLAIN. Perfect. You don't even need to salt them! They've got the right amount - already. Just grab the biggest bag you can, pop-a-rip it open, and watch the chips fly! Into your mouth. You'll be digging in that bag with both hands, grabbing up huge double-handfuls, mashing up those crisp, delicate chips in your tightening fists heedless of the grease and crumbs, just so you can keep shoveling as much as you can as fast as you can into your mouth and it's hard to do that with two huge grasping handfuls of big, crisp fluffy chips headed for just one finite mouth! Then you'll realize it's not really effective enjoyment-wise to try to eat chips that way, so you'll slow down and savor, bringing each huge, crispy-diaphanous chip mouthwards with a slow, elegant flourish, pop it just past your spread-wide lips and *CRUNCH*! Bite down with one curt, decisive chomp. And then, smile wide with the deliciousness that hits and coats the entire inside of your mouth in spreading waves of salty pleasure.

Holy shit, that's a good potato chip.

Maybe they don't call it part of a square meal. "Junk food" some say - but if that's the case, the good people at Frito-Lay are making some junk food. And when you bite into that perfect golden saltness wisp of bold, crisp potato flavor, you'll be calling the government on the phone to say "if this is junk food, then baby better add another level to the Food Pyramid!"

The best thing about me telling you about Lay's chips in this venue, here at Consider Your Ass Kicked!, and completely unrecompensed in any way by the Frito-Lay corporation (except in the sense that we are all of us richly recompensed, simply by the fact that they have made their delicious chips available to us for purchase!) is that it's not technically "advertising," so I can say all I want. I can lie my ass off if I want, it doesn't have to be true, because it's not advertising. No one is claiming these claims are true. No claim is being made. So I can pretty much let loose full-bore! Lay's classic chips are U.S.D.A. Certified Organic - and they always have been. Nothing has been changed to kow-tow to those government fat-cat bureaucrats and their arbitrary certification regime. Also, Lay's classic potato chips are now made fresh and local, right in your own town the same day you buy them - made from potatoes grown in your own back yard, if you have one. That's the Frito-Lay guarantee.

Of course, they are the perfect when it comes to dipping in any dip you might care to dip a chip in! A thick dip might require a more judicious angle of insertion, and then pull back out slowly with gentle angled upward pressure to get some dip out of the bowl without breaking that fine chip of yours to pieces in the process. It works fine if you can finesse the technique, but you know what? Why bother. They're just so good plain. Who needs dip, with a chip this hip.

Lay's, baby. They're coming after you in your DREAMS after I described them so good. Now go hit the 24 hour and come back with bags and bags of 'em.

Tell 'em Joe sent you.

7 comments:

limom said...

I'm a Ruffles man.
It's got ridges, don't you know.

dogimo said...

You know what? I was looking for the Ruffles. They had the Lay's.

dogimo said...

But then, the accident of that is what cued my big potato chip epiphany up there! My chance to say, "hey, reevaluate the purity and simplicity of these perfect Lay's classic potato chips. Like biting into a platonic ideal made real in the form of a dream come true, potato-chip-wise. "

You know lately, I'm starting thing think I'm overusing the suffix "-wise."

Suffix-wise.

VEG said...

Well now, I always wondered who actually CHOSE those plain things. Give me the sweet (SWEET!) chilli anyday. Or the barbecue. Yes Sir. I will put a hole in those. Plus is there any better accompaniment for a sandwich? No. There is not.

I don't do Ruffles. They withhold the flavour. One needs oodles of flavour.

Pearl said...

I rarely laugh out loud at stuff I read, but I laughed out loud at this.

I like it up here in your head.

:-)

Pearl

dogimo said...

@Veg - The Chip Assassin!! I love Tim's "Hawaiian" Brand Sweet Maui Onion chips, that's a fine product, delicious of flavor, sweet of...taste...and pretty light and crisp for a "kettle"! But speaking of Kettle and speaking of FLAVOR - I do go to town on dem Kettle brand chips - two fave flavs: Backyard Barbeque and Buffalo Bleu. When if comes to being a chip aficionado, I'm like, the connoisseur of high and low gourmet delights alike. And you're right: to go with a sandwich? NONE BETTER.

@Pearl - thank you Pearl! I would not say this is my best "lurid food meditation" post - but it is definitely my best ever effort in the "false advertising line"! I'm kind of proud of it, which is unusual for me for a post I only wrote the day before. Most of the time they have to grow on me a little.

You are welcome here in my head!

dogimo said...

Also @The VEGETABLE ASSASSIN:

I think you've just coined one of the most perfect ad slogan/campaign catchphrases ever for any product:

Ruffles brand ridged potato chips. They Withhold The Flavour.