Prospective Restaurant Menu Sections for Gil's Fancy "Family-Style" Down-Home Luxury Restaurant #1: The Burger Section

Here at Gil's Fancy we pride ourselves on offering a whole selection of burgers, and some of them gourmet! - all in keeping with our "Family-Style" concept and tradition. Try any of them yourself no matter who you are! We don't care, and we won't judge.

The Husbandburger: this one heads the household and wears the dang pants in this restaurant, if you know what I mean! A big half-pound of lean ground chuck and sirloin, cooked how you like it well-done with charred crispy bits on the outside, blood rare in the middle. There is a thick slice of beefsteak tomato, there are three thin-sliced rings of raw onion, there is a big crisp leaf of butter lettuce to the side, in case you want that (what I do myself is leave it off the burger, and pretend it's a very austere salad). Ketchup, mustard at your table! Mayo by request. Cheese extra, per slice of cheese. Get as many as you want! You call the shots, and trust us to melt the odd slices over and the even slices under that patty - The Gil's Fancy Way! Don't ask how we manage that, it's a house secret.

The Wifeburger: this hard-working quarter pound of lean beef is butt-slappin' tasty! Whether you just spent a hard day at the office job, bringing home the bacon, or whether you did yeoperson's work all day dusting and polishing, not neglecting to keep an eye on the soaps! - the one thing I know you don't want to have to do for dinner is slave over a hot oven in the kitchen. Tell that man of yours to take you on down to Gil's Fancy, and let us slave - we just love it! This refined, gourmet palate-pleasing treat of a burger combines our special garlic-simmered button mushrooms with special gruyère cheese-style "fondue" sauce, and believe you me missus, that's all you need! Take a bite first before you go slathering on the condiments! Heaven. You like mushrooms, don't you? If you don't, just tell 'em "leave all that crap off" - tell 'em Gil said it's O-Kay! It's a delicious burger no matter what, and honey you deserve it.

The Sonburger: This extra rad, and extra extreme third-pound of a patty is just about guaranteed to please. Topped with a slice of free cheddar, three strips of bacon, tomato, grilled onion, and lettuce (to the side, The Gil's Fancy Way), when you bite into this you will just about surely have to put it down and say "awesome," once you're finished chewing and swallowing! The bun on this sucker has stripes of cheese baked right criss-crossed across it for extra flavor - why, you'll swear it's just like those little fishy crackers! Only fresh and soft, with just a hint of crispyness across the top from the baked-in cheese. Gil's Fancy eating technique tip: chaw into this one held upside-down. Extreme? Awesome.

The Daughterburger: Honey I know it's been awkward since you declared for Vegetarianism, but one place it never has to be awkward is Gil's Fancy Restaurant. Despite our affordable pricing policy, we know all about gourmet and luxury stances, and that includes your little political and cruelty causes and such. We're here to help you through this phase with no loss of great taste! This thing's some kind of, it's a tofu or grain concoction of some kind, very natural albeit some might say the idea of a meatless burger itself is pretty unnatural, we don't truck with those attitudes here. Sweetie I tried this thing myself, and it is so good when you bite into it, you'll swear there's meat in there - while we'll swear there isn't. Even the bun's got no eggs and zero milk! I admit the bun's kind of moist and dense, and slightly crumbly, texture-wise - please feel free to tell 'em "Gimme a real bun!" if you want! As long as you're one of those half-veg people that still eats eggs and milk, that's no moral compromise for you - and you'll be glad you did!

But that's not all! In addition to the menu, keep an eye cocked toward the big chalk-board by the maitre-D' stump on the way in, for our ever-popular "Special" burgers! Available nightly when available, never listed on the menu: The Ex-Wife Burger (a monster of a triple-patty cheese six-slicer with our special Mayo), The 2nd-Wife Burger (a lo-carb special, very popular when we have it and so good, you'll wolf it down at an aerobic rate), and the very special Uncle Gil's Bastardburger (this is one bad patty, first blackened char-fried in a red hot skillet with cajun spices, then beer-battered and deep fried to a golden crisp, topped with bleu cheese and bacon times four and slapped between two home-made belgian waffles - be sure to slop ketchup all into those waffle-pockets! Your mouth will reward you, on every bite).

Burgers are just the least of the delights we've got to offer to you down here at Gil's Fancy Restaurant, but that about covers it as far as they go! And we do recommend them. When you try one yourself, you'll know why we say here at Gil's Fancy that here at Gil's Fancy, we do burgers very well.

So remember! Next time you're hungry, and you find yourself in the mood for a meal like you haven't had lately, let that be the cue for you to tell yourself hey, it's been too long since I took a trip down to Gil's Fancy "Family-Style" Down-Home Luxury Restaurant. You can't stay away forever, don't deprive yourself! Come on down to Gil's Fancy! Where we invite you to "fill up" on free bread.