Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Saturday, April 21, 2012

My Apologies For Leading You On: I May Have Only Seven Inches To Give You

Long-time readers may be very familiar with my bragging and crowing about my big ol' eight-incher. Well, it's a little embarrassing for me to break down and admit this, but for some time now I have been aware that I could have been a little off on that claim. Possibly. Unverified, but seems likely. I may have been a little off on the measurement, I mean. You see, apparently, from what I've been given to understand, I was not employing accepted dick-measuring metrics.

You're supposed to plant the ruler along the top side at the base of the shaft. Not from the bottom. Just eyeing myself and calculating Pi, I'd guess that knocks a good inch off. I mean, if I was hugely girthy, it'd possibly knock off more than that! Because of the circumference. But luckily, I'm a little on the slender side, penis-wise. Not in a bad way! It looks just about right, in fact. Elegant. Heck, people tell me it's pretty gorgeous (very select people with excellent taste, I mean! Not just some "man on the street" bull-shit). I have to say, I agree with those critiques. I've precious little to gauge it against, in terms of competing penises, but it does seem to be a very harmoniously-formed object. Especially for an object with such a clear, RUDE PURPOSE. I mean, come on! Peeing and fucking, right? That thing's all business.

And yet, it would look right at home in a functional design exhibit, at a museum of modern art. In fact, it's been in a few of those! Nobody noticed, though - pants. I try to keep 'em on, in museums. Despite all the statues have theirs out, all bold. Anyway. There's always been that b.s. double-standard between art and art-lovers. I for one disdain it, but at the museum - hey, that's their house. I'm just a respectful guest. I'm not there to foment revolution.

So yeah, you might say, why all this "might have" and "could be"? Why guess around? Why not just re-measure the thing?

Well, two reasons: first, the only ruler I have in the house is metal. And you have no idea what a shock those edges were, the first time! Further: I'm not going to go buy a ruler specifically to measure my own dick. I don't need to measure it. It's sufficient. Numbers don't define me! I don't even own a bathroom scale. Heck.

Second, I'm giving serious consideration to ditching inches entirely. Going all the way metric. And you better believe a man who gives you his dick measurement in centimeters has committed to the metric system! Also, he just sounds more accurate than your typical inches-man.

Plus, heck - imagine how huge that's going to sound in centimeters. "My dick? Oh yeah, it's NINETEEN centimeters."

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