(Pt.1) (Pt.2) (Pt.3) (Pt.4)
It turns out there is no patron saint of fireworks! You know why? Because this so-called supposed St. Barbara - allegedly the patron saint of fireworks and fireworks makers - isn't a saint at all! In fact, she's not even a person! She never even existed! Her whole deal was exposed back in 1969, when her saintship was stripped from her and her feast day was expunged from the calendar in disgrace. It turns out they found out she was just some story that people made up - FOR SHAME, PEOPLE.
Well heck, vatican, I know that's a black eye and all, but isn't it about time to do a little damage control? Take some positive steps to offset the scandal? Why not appoint a sterling saint with a well-burnished reputation for having actually existed to fill the vacant post of Patron St. of Fireworks?? And have I got just the saint for you!
St. Elizabeth of Portugal. Queen, widow, peacemaker in a time of war, a resonant figure in ours or any age to say the least. And who better to assume the patronageship over fireworks? Who better than that little spitfire herself, that Portuguese firecracker, that Catholic roman candle, that heavenly M-80, Miss 4th of July - St. Elizabeth of Portugal!
I think I've laid out a pretty tight case. God will be the judge of it.