Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tough Topics #26: Punching Babies

We here at Consider Your Ass Kicked! have never shied away from the tough topics in this, our Tough Topics series. We've covered all sorts of tough topics, from The Vietnam War to who knows what else - including war itself, from a no-particular-war standpoint (warfare in general), to sexual nudity, or even the "terror war" on terrorism as it is called. Then we've hit issues that have nothing to do with war, from something as hip, timely and divisive as this "Occupy" b.s., to broo-ha's that are now irrelevant, dated and obsolete - but can still teach us a quaint lesson or two such as Communism.

We've covered a veritable cornucopia of controversies, a whole gamut of talking points that some cowards, maybe, would deride as "moot" - but points which we've nevertheless somehow or other managed to hit HEAD ON, dealing a crushing defeat to such would-be wholesale hemmers of haw! Gay Marriage. Butt Sex. Intelligent Design. Evolution. As you can see, a lot of time I cover two sides of the same issue! Prenuptual Agreements.

Smoking. Hard Drugs. Biblical Fundamentalism. Superstition. Sending Jobs Overseas - which used to be a HUGE issue in some parts, for a while! Pedophilia. Eww. The list goes on and on, as do many of the posts themselves. Prayers In School. It seems I never run out of shit to say on topics others don't even want to go NEAR, much less talk about with guts, smarts, heart and soul and a little thing I like to call "openness-of-mind." Because no matter what set premise I start a post with going in, I'm always open to the possibility of being persuaded by sufficiently compelling reason. Sometimes I start with one idea in mind, and by the time I come to the end of the post, I've got a whole new perspective on things. You have to be able to do that, or else what's the point in even bringing it up? Why - just to hear yourself spout off?

Screw that, pal.

But today we come to perhaps the most abhorrent issue we've tackled yet: punching babies. It's abhorrent. I saw the cutest baby the other day, and suddenly I realized, what if somebody punched this baby? This thing was adorable! Sleeping angelically slung in one of those front-carrier baby-cradling backpack deals (front-pack technically I guess) like a sweet little papoose! Some guy had the baby, the baby was his. He looked so happy - I was shocked at the idea that this idyllic scene could be disrupted, this poor new little being's fragility could be exploited by some inhumanly cold baby-punching son of a bitch. Well I say, ZERO TOLERANCE for baby-punching. I say throw the baby-punchers away and lock up the key! These bastards deserve life in prison without the possibility of parole, at least.

See, here we see an example of a Tough Topic that - as heart-rending, abhorrent and horrific as it is - is not all too terribly complex. Some tough topics are SO tough that they become a pretty simple issue, in the final analysis. Yet even with something as clear-cuttedly abhorrent as baby-punching, still if you think a little further down the line, some complexities do creep in. Take my supposed solution: zero tolerance, life without the possibility of parole. Sounds fine at first. But what happens in the event that Science conquers aging? What do we do with our prisons, now filling up with immortal baby-punchers?

But that's a point that will bedevil you no matter what the issue is. There are no issues so simple that they don't become a little more troubling, once you bring Science into it. Science is the universal complexicator. I say let's cross that bridge when we get there.

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