Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

New Smartphone App!! Pt.3: Technical Details

Okay, since somebody may ask - "Technical Details"

Who cares? The idea's the main thing, guys. Give those other questions to the people whose job that is. I'm the IDEA GUY.

New Smartphone App!! Pt.2

Well what the heck, who cares if somebody else is doing something vaguely similar! Maybe they are and maybe they arent'! I provide my idea as a service, just in case they screwed it up. Because here's how it should work:

A. Car owners with GPS sign up to the program. They're the Drivers.
B. Pedestrians install the app on their phone. They're the Riders.

Drivers program their destination in and will be alerted of potential Riders en route. They can then offer a ride if they wish (realistically, some days you might just not be in the mood). Riders will see which Drivers are going their way *and* offering a Ride. Easy! Wait - "ride" doesn't need to be capitalized, there. Just Riders and Drivers. No need to get too technical!

Riders, just punch in your particulars: location, destination, and how you propose to pay ("gas, grass or ass" or perhaps some other fun "hitchy" jargon!). Those would be the public details, visible to any Drivers coming your way. You'd also plug in some private details like what you're wearing so you can be spotted for the pickup - this info would only be shared with the Driver whose offer of a ride you accept. Once you've got that trip-specific info plugged in, you're ready to go! Just hit the "thumb" button!

When the Rider hits the "thumb" button, it puts their ride request out on the virtual roadmap, visible for any available Driver to offer a ride. As approaching Drivers within range ping their willingness to pick up the Rider, the Rider sees what offers there are, and confirms for the Driver whose offer they want to accept! Then they stand by the road to flag 'em down as usual. It's a Social Hitchhiking app!

I guess I could have said that part earlier. "It's a Social Hitchhiking app!" A bit obvious by this point. Anyway. Moving on.

All registered Drivers and Riders would have their nicknames/user IDs to go by, their "public identity" within the subcommunity of this little service. It could be a nickname, not necessarily their real name - but users would have to divulge their true identity on a confidential basis to the service in order to be signed up. Users would then pick a username and create a public profile showing whatever info about their selves they'd wish to put out there, to help people evaluate whether they want to ride with this person. And on top of that, the feedback system! Drivers and Riders would each have stats, including how many rides, plus a star rating based on user feedback - and an anonymous user comments section. Feedback could only be given by those who have ridden with that user.

Since everyone signed up with the service would have to be an actual human being with some verifiable identity on file, and since the system is (confidentially) keeping track of who rides with whom - in theory this could cut down on the murders and rapes! And as you, the user, build up a large number of rides and a good star rating, you'd feel pretty confident in your reputation. You'd feel that people are going to feel good about choosing to ride with you. And that's a good feeling!

Wait. Shit. Hitchhiking's illegal though. Isn't it? Shit.

Damn.

Why the hell, in this day and age, is hitchhiking illegal?

This makes my whole idea seem stupid.

New Smartphone App Idea!!

Aw, wait. DAMN!!

It looks like somebody might already be doing something a little like this. Just to go by Googlin'.

Shoot.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Interfaith Atheist Alliance

This is an idea whose time has come. Also, a pretty sweet band name!

I'm Trying to Give Myself a Neck-Rub

I suck at this. I can't believe it, this is so disillusioning. How many chicks have lied to me about my neck-rub prowess?

A Technology Sufficiently Advanced

You know, I'm kind of glad phone lines don't work without power anymore. That used to freak me the fuck out.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Home and Dry


The Pet Shop Boys.

I'm Not Entirely Sure This Wasn't Done as a Joke to Get on the Internet.

I'm a little suspicious.
I mean, look at that.

Clarification: there's no way anyone would go to the trouble of painting these benches green, just as the pretext for a "wet paint sign" joke. That's hard work - and a job well done! I don't suspect the painters, whoever they may have been. I salute their diligent efforts. But maybe the prankster came along later, and put the signs that had been left (on the wall, perhaps?) in the paint - just to be a "cut-up"! Well that's exactly the kind of bullshit "practical joke" I can't abide!

It's been a while since I had to drag out the "not even funny" tag, but this little stunt here warrants it - en spades.

Damn it, I wanted that to come across all masculine and fancy by putting the Spanish of "in spades." But apparently, in Spain, they call a spade a spade. Which speaks well of them I suppose - but it shoots my efforts to shade the capper of this post with a bit of European romance-language exoticism right in the ol' puedo.

Perhaps if you go back and re-read it, mentally pronouncing it "en spah-dez." That could make the needed difference! Please try it, and let me know in the comments how it worked out for you.

Monday, August 15, 2011

I'm a Placebo Atheist.

I'm a placebo atheist.

Yeah, that's right. That shit doesn't work on me, bitch.

In fact, I disbelieve all medicines on general principles. If that treatment works, it's going to have to be in spite of a healthy dose of skepticism. On the part of my conscious mind.

HEY! Listen to me, active ingredient. Do you work or NOT? Yeah, I don't give a shit you'll work better if I believe in you!

Tell that shit to the placebo.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Tired of Looking for Love Online?

Start your own dating service! It's easy. Let's say your name is Nick. Get a t-shirt printed up that extols your service (as a date) in big bold letters: "TIRED OF LOOKING FOR LOVE ONLINE? TRY THE NICK DATING SERVICE!" Under that, hit 'em with your own various unique benefits as a dating partner. Personalize it! That's the whole point - it needs to reflect who you are and what you can actually provide. Talk yourself up a bit! Why should they act on your shirt, as opposed to someone else's? Use the front and back of the shirt, if necessary, to make that case! Then at the bottom (of both sides, naturally): "Sound too good to be true? Call me on it! Here's the digits: (...) ... - ...."

Please note. Don't tuck the shirt in if you expect this to actually work. Only dorks tuck in a t-shirt.

And when she or he calls the number, it's like: "You've reached the Nick Dating Service. Where every date you have is with Nick! Press 1 if you heard about Nick from a friend. Press 2 if you heard about Nick through an advertisement in the paper. Press 3 if you saw one of Nick's tasteful ads on cable access television. Press 4 if you saw Nick walking around in his personalized t-shirt, and called the number. If Nick is standing right in front of you now, press 5."

This would definitely work! Albeit, you'd know the kind of person you're getting would be the kind who would dial up a dating service based on seeing an ad on a t-shirt. Is this the kind of person you'd be interested in? Or would that sort of thing be a 'dealbreaker'?

See, that's what you'd have to ask yourself, before you even get the t-shirt made.

"Good Job," those of you Not Fitting In!

In 2010 census results thus far tallied, noncomformists are running a majority.

Monday, August 08, 2011

Food Judge #5: I Love to Flaunt my Love of Traditional Cuisines!


"Whatcha got there?"

"This is a burrito. It means 'little burro.' A burro is a donkey, or ass. In colonial times, Mexican field workers would have nutritious meals sent out to them on burros: each worker's lunch wrapped up in a flour tortilla for easy consumption. This hearty and convenient food delivery system was nick-named 'the burrito' - possibly in honor of the donkeys upon which the delicious repast was delivered; also possibly because the burrito itself looks almost exactly like a little donkey. If a little donkey were to have its limbs and head chopped off, and then be wrapped up in a tortilla."

"No, I mean, what's in it? What kind of burrito is it?"

"It's a BLT cheeseburger burrito."

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Food Judge #4: I Hope I Didn't Just Get Food Poisoning!

You know what though? I'm always hoping that.

I'm starting to think the fact of the matter is, I just have a very poor idea of what causes food poisoning.

Once You Start Making Up Your Own Chuck Norris Jokes, It's Hard to Stop Pt.2

Chuck Norris flips pancakes with his bare hands.

The Surgeon General put a warning put on Chuck Norris. It says WARNING: CHUCK NORRIS.

Chuck Norris is not aware of any Chuck Norris "jokes."

Chuck Norris drinks his coffee with whatever you put in it when you mistakenly thought it was your coffee.

Chuck Norris is the reason no one can find Waldo.

Chuck Norris makes Ritz mocka apple pie using real apples.

Chuck Norris is partnering with Google to develop the world's first Search-and-Destroy Engine.

Five-Star Generals call Chuck Norris "sir."

Chuck Norris only lied once. The truth quietly apologized for being wrong.

The real reason Nostradamus stopped predicting things is he looked into the future and Chuck Norris told him to knock it off.

Chuck Norris does jello shots using a 12 gauge.

Chuck Norris doesn't flip a coin, he just calls it. If the coin's wrong, it flips itself.

Chuck Norris chews his food with his tongue.

Chuck Norris graduated high school in kindergarten.

A lot of people think the "Chuck" in Chuck Norris is short for "Charles." Actually it is short for Chuckles.

The solution to the weak U.S. Dollar? Ditch George Washington. Substitute Chuck Norris.

Jesus Christ accepts Chuck Norris as his personal savior.

Chuck Norris isn't larger-than-life. Life just tends to slouch a little when Chuck walks by.

After Paul Simon met Chuck Norris, he rewrote that song to reflect there's really only one sure way to leave your lover: introduce her to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's ugly little secret is that he is secretly a Chuck Norris supremacist.

Chuck Norris can make a delicious burrito out of a tortilla and a head of lettuce.

When Chuck Norris signs an autograph, his penmanship is exquisite.

Chuck Norris contributes in a low-profile way to a number of deserving charities.

Hmmm. Okay. I think I've got it pretty well petered-out.

Once You Start Making Up Your Own Chuck Norris Jokes, It's Hard to Stop

When Chuck Norris gets bitten by a zombie, the zombie turns into Chuck Norris. Then Chuck Norris kills him.

For Chuck Norris, regular Shredded Wheat is "bite size."

No one ever calls Chuck Norris a motherfucker, but the fact is he was not a virgin when he was born. You do the math.

Chuck Norris said "Betelgeuse" three times. Nothing happened.

Chuck Norris could go to Vietnam RIGHT NOW and come back with a truckload of MIAs.

Chuck Norris doesn't trim his beard. He just wills it to stay the same length.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a passport. He just hands them his driver's license. It says "Chuck Norris."

If Chuck Norris had been around back then, The Odyssey would have been called "The Chuck Norrisyssey", it would have been 3 pages long, and instead of that Trojan Horse bullshit, it would have been a Trojan Chuck Norris and they would have just rammed the fucking gates down with it. None of this fuckin' subterfuge.

Beyonce isn't ready for Chuck Norris's jelly.

Chuck Norris does the IRS's taxes.

Ben Franklin they say discovered electricity, but it was Chuck Norris who INVENTED it.

Chuck Norris beat Deep Blue at Tic-Tac-Toe.

Doodeloo #86: Override

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Food Judge #3: Tips On Being A Discerning Diner

I carry with me at all dinnertimes a laminated placard showing what steak looks precisely like, when cooked to each of the 7 degrees of order (including raw and burnt).

I also carry wallet-size to give out. In case the chef wants one. Or, to put it delicately, appears to need one.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Quote of the Day: Stranger

"I can't help being a stranger. To my friends, I'm even stranger."

Monday, August 01, 2011

Food Judge #2: The Big Ritz Gyp Revisited

Here it is and welcome to another edition of the Food Judge. Yesterday on last week's episode of Food Judge, we took a look at the "Ritz Sandwich." So-called. And we discovered some pretty troubling things, and the Food Judge verdict was: go with the open-faced treatment instead.

But you know what's actually a pretty good compromise? Make an even number of bottoms, then snap some in half for the tops! At least you get some of that cracker savor against the roof of your mouth. Half a cracker's fine, and you still stretch your supply by a 50% margin or thereabouts.

A full-on Ritz sandwich is still a pretty bad scam. That's what they want you to do - don't fall for it.

Food Judge #1: Don't Let Ritz Rip You Off!

Here it is, and welcome to another edition of Food Judge!

We all love Ritz sandwiches. A fat slice of creamy peanut butter, squeezed all ooze-nestled between two sinfully-salty Ritz™ brand crackers? Salt sides out, naturally. Who could resist?

Well you better resist, because that's exactly what those bastards at Nabisco are counting on! If you play into their hands, you're going to be going through Ritz crackers at a rate of twice!

Wise up, cracker fans. The so-called Ritz sandwich is a scam. For very little diminished enjoyment, you can go open-faced: one cracker on the bottom (salt side down). A knife's worth of fat, goobery p.b.

And that's enough! You don't need a top on that! Your tongue will get plenty of cracker, you're sliding it in bottom-down, aren't you? What do you need a top for?

Take this tip and run with it. Your Ritz supply will last twice as long as those patsies chomping will-nilly through their stacks of delicious "Ritz sandwiches."

This message paid for by the Peanut Butter Viral Marketing Board and Anti-Defamation Guild.