Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Saturday, July 28, 2012

You know what business there NEEDS TO BE? Singing telegram process servers.

Dressed like male strippers! You know, like a construction worker indian chief cop comes to your door, confirms your identity, hands you some balloons, hits the music and does a little dance while singing you a song that informs you you've been served.

Sure enough, in the balloons - there's the envelope!

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Olympics! A Celebration of Pinnacles!

The Olympics represent the best and the worst of all humanity has to offer, except sex (which would be inappropriate - in much of the world, it's considered to be a televised event for the whole family and we should respect that). The thrill of victory! The agony of defeat - and some poor dude caroming all to pieces down the ramp! Do you get a medal for that? Not hardly. They have to judge hard, because when human excellence is the arena, having some hard-assed standard to hold up to is way more important than making people feel good for sucking at something they've spent their entire lives on, when the chips are down. And how do you get over something like that? Well, you can be like Tonya Harding, and be ridiculed for the way you go about it, or you can go the other route and be lionized on Wheaties boxes and married into the Kardashians. Isn't that what Bruce Jenner did? He married into some damn family of tabloid people! But the point is: that journey began at the pinnacle of Olympic Glory - and too many people seem willing to gloss that over.

Man, when I was a kid the Olympics were some major stuff. Guess what, chumps? They still are. But it's no place for mawkish sentimentality! Olympic athletes are hard, fierce, brash, honed competitors with a huge chip on their sculpted shoulders, and these are not your ancient Olympians like the Greek Gods throwing boulders around, or hurling strokes of lightning, no! These athletes are larger than life by virtue of their embrace of human limitation: and by embracing it, they seize it and push it and milk it for all that it's worth and more, until suddenly: "IT'S A WORLD RECORD! THE CROATIAN JUDGE JUST LOST HER SHIT!!" You better believe the crowd is right on board with it when that happens, holmes!!

Point is: the Olympics. These games aren't for kids, and these players ain't playing. Get on board the O-train and let's go play some anthems and get some medals.

Again Here I Am To School You On Sex Education.


Let's begin with the basics. These are some of the parts of people that stick out:

1. the entire human head (this is probably a bit much, but it does stick out so I'm including it)
2. tongues
3. feet
4. toes
5. fingers
6. handses
7. the phallus
8. just the tip
9. possible to get creative?

And once you've got those options out and waggling around, here are some of the places people STICK IT:

A. mouths
B. the vagina (a wholesome and traditional favorite, yet not dowdy or dull in the slightest!)
C. the anus
D. one's hand
E. (censored for the sake of delicacy)
F. The surface of the body! Any skin-on-skin, cracks or crevices as they occur - whether integral pockets and folds in the structure, or "cracks of opportunity" formed by the pressing of limbs or other features together.

And guess what? That's pretty much the essential crux of sex! You want to put some part of yourself, or even, as much of yourself as possible, inside this other person. Or vice versa, of course! Weird, right? What a totally unnatural thing to do...! Right?

Wrong. You might say it's "weird" or it's "unnatural" - that's what you might say, except you'd be wrong. Because here's where I have to school you on the sex part: it isn't unnatural. That's the crazy thing. It's perhaps the single most natural thing ever.

As they say, there's the rub: because here you are, two people and you both want one of you to put as much of yourself as possible inside the other person. That's where the physical variables come in, of how two people interact, because sometimes it's hard! I won't lie to you. And how much of you can you actually get inside someone else? Using the ordinary various means, I mean. There are a couple (in some cases, a few) options, and for most people those work fairly well. But for some people, not very well. All I can say is, it's a complex issue! Because on the one hand, sex is pretty fucking neat if you can manage to work it work it out.

Anyway, not to insult your intelligence because this should not even need to be pointed out, but: some of the objects in the number list can't possibly be made to fit into some of the alphabetical holes. Or if they were, it could result in suffocation for one or both parties. Use common sense.

So if I've offended anyone with this, breaking it down so bold and plain, I'm sorry but this is what the people are doing. This is what the kids and the adults and the elderly are doing, and you know what we don't serve anyone or anyone's truth by lying about it, okay? Or by hiding from the truth, or being coy. Because I don't see any reason to be coy about this. People are DYING because of a lack of sex education, and in some cases, it's of boredom. Boredom death is the leading cause of death that could have been prevented by sex. Think I'm wrong? Prove it!

As a wool-dyed original Cynic of the old school, I stand eating onions with Diogenes the Dog to say: "Nothing natural is shameful." Rubbin' up on and stuffin' stuff in is a frolicksome process, one that occurs in every possible position, variation and permutation all the way down throughout nature, right down to the cellular level. Come on, you think ameobae don't get freaky invasive with pseudopodia just because their technical "reproduction" method is asexual mitosis? Fuck WRONG, dude. Those amoebea just have a different society to ours! They have sex in REVERSE. Instead of "for the two Knew Each Other, and Became One Flesh," it goes, for the one flesh became two, but lord how much more intimate THAT is? Because suddenly there's two of you. A second before, you were both literally the SAME PERSON. So naturally, they're going at it - afterplay, and there's a ton of tentacle action and pseudopodial penetrative business, workin' around, rubbin of parts up against each other's freshly-divided cellular surfaces - and if you think THAT'S perverted, there's something WRONG with you. Just because it's not in the bible doesn't mean God hates to see it! GOD LOVES ALL THAT AMOEBA BUSINESS! "Unnatural" my ass! I am so sick of these prudes all the time, and their stuffy uptight ways. Get over it: amoebas and little dudeuoles and microorganisms are having fun little microscopic orgies all over you, right now. In your FACE.

I am, and have always been, a big defender of unicellular sexual liberty. If you have a problem with it, well I say maybe you're the one with the weird hang-up.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Evil Is F****** Easy!

Spectacular evil is much easier to achieve than spectacular good. If that scumbag in Colorado had put the same amount of cleverness and effort into planning a party for developmentally disabled children, we'd never have heard of it.

I'm not suggesting we need to be spoon-fed feel-good pabulum on the front page to drown out the evil. I'm saying: impressive good is just harder to do than evil - because people are fundamentally good. Because right now, people everywhere are engaged in actively planning and executing good for each other, from simple to elaborate, from one-time to long-term. Speaking relatively, there are only a comparatively few sick fucks trying to and planning to get our attention with death.

Of course they succeed. They succeed because evil is fucking easy, not because they're any good at it.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Use Common Sense.

Beyond politics and religion, some things just aren't polite for conversation. Use common sense: if someone says something, and it strikes you as off-limits, tell them "Hey, common sense suggests that's just a rude topic of discussion." You can use common sense in a lot of other ways, too, to imply that your opinion is either valid generally, or derived from some upwelling of Jungian shared psyche. Common sense should always be used.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Ratings: Aspects of Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg

This post originally published May 2011. Very pleased to update it to reflect the Brunching Shuttlecocks archive appears to be restored online in all its glory!

The Brunching Shuttlecocks - this was pretty much the motherlode. The Self-Made Critic movie reviews, the little Flash animation gags, the standalone japes like Geek Hierarchy Chart, the smirking quizzes like "Porn Star or My Little Pony?", the random concept generators (such as the infamous Alanis Morisette Lyric Generator), the CYBORG ACRONYM name app, the famous Ratings, and all the other associated and dissociated content made for a pitch-perfect time capsule of late 90s snark and whimsy. Points off for taking the whole archive off-line.   B  Revised Grade: A

The Book of Ratings - a bit on the "it's been done" side, but you know what, nothing wrong with a little anthologization when the material is this strong. Also, since the Brunching archives have been pulled, points ON for still being available, albeit, in stores. A-

Alt.text - so apparently, the fairly well-known magazine Wired? They also have a paperless version? And these alt.text deals are articles on tech- and/or geek-related matters (if that's not needless to say of content written for Wired), a series of them, taking a humorous take on those topics, in a "column" if you can call it that, appearing the paperless version. Which I guess collects the features and stuff that didn't make the cut for print? Except I don't know how that would be determined. It's not like some times you make, sometimes you don't - more like they just seem have a whole second stable of writers and features? Like the West Coast Avengers. C-?


Moths. D-

Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg - I don't know, he seems like a nice enough guy, though I don't really know him to "rate" him, so. I guess I'll say: he better be cooking up something pretty awesome behind the scenes, at this point. It's clear he's got some good shee-it in store, to share with the world, if he'd only be so kind as to put it in usable form where people can get at it. Because if two years from now nothing new is announced, and it turns out he's just been squandering it twittering and tumblering around, well all I can say to that is what the hell, LORE? Provisional B-

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Blog Update: Just Dumb

That last post was just dumb.

Sneak peak Blog Update: next one too, most likely!