Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Real Mature.

You know what?

I find it worse than ironic that in our society's parlance, "adult" has grown (or rather, regressed and devolved) to mean "characterized by prurience." To mean "focused on or preoccupied with the sex act, with nudity, or with other frolicsome bodily matters," - not in the way of innocent curiosity or natural interest that you'd expect! But in the stunted, giggling way that calls things naughty, dirty - that tut-tuts and chides even as it hides, denies. That's just what "adult" means!

The very word "adult" now marks the sort of naive, embarrassed attitude you'd expect from either a precocious juvenile, or a socially or emotionally retarded adolescent.

"Retarded," there, gives the plain sense of delayed, hampered. A slower-than-usual development. There is no shame, or there should be none, in that. Kids grow at all rates - and actual innocence is a thing we should protect.

But what gets me, please, is that "adult" seems to mean something that grown-ups ourselves are expected never, ever to grow up about. Adult matters are - matters of permanent shame, discomfort - for us! For a grownup!

And that's what they call "adult." That's adult. What a comedown. This, my fellow adults, is a ripoff.

When I was a child, I thought "adult" meant that at some point, you stop being a child. At some point, you become one of those full-fledged full-on human beings first class - you get your wings, as it were, and become privileged to know (that is, to come to terms with) all those things that confused teachers and other figures would fluster over, and tell me "oh, you - you don't, I can't tell you now. You'll know when you're older!" And I figured the real "big deal" stuff, the stuff you'd get full grasp of in that grown-up club, would be - you know, the politics. The whys of war, and division of hate over systems of thought. The whys of enemyship - the things I could readily believe a child might not be equipped to understand! Because I didn't.

Come to find out, hah hah, no. The REAL big adult issues are wee wees, wangs, vajoos - heinies, boobies, stuff like that. Big girls and boys with their clothes off! That's the adult concern. That is what grown-ups, apparently, STILL find shameworthy, cause for an angry scold or a big, shamed-red face. Can you imagine??

Can you imaging growing up, and finding out THIS is what the grown-ups mean by "adult"? Bare behinds and reet-roo! Oopsie nudey nudey bits!

I'll try a comparison: imagine if you grew up and people were still mortified by poopydoos, peeps and farts! Can you imagine being called a "grown up," and being ashamed of THAT? Can you imagine trying to manage your own shame at being oh-the-humanity: a body! With form. And functions. Imagine calling yourself an adult, and then turning around and trying to manage that shame using shush shush, tut tut and stinkeye to other grown-ups. And if they have the gall to be confused at your shame, to call anybody else - childish.

If that were how you rolled, as a so-called ashamed. Be very ashamed. Grow up. My inner ten year old is appalled at you. And so am I. So let down.

Oh at first, when that boy I was turned twelve or so, and first grasped that people had turned to using "adult" as a prude-word for "sex-crazed," I tried to put the best face on it. I explained to myself, "they mean that the material is for adults. That most kids can't, but adults are the ones mature enough to take these matters at face value!"

Imagine that. Call me naive if you must.

Despite the constant evidence around me of self-stunted, gracelessly aging emotional juveniles - who make far more than their share of scenes, and by doing so, probably end up seeming far more numerous than they really are - I believe the majority of adults actually do grow up. At some point. They're probably just too tactful to scold the others who bristle, titter, blush and fluster at woo woos.

"Maybe they'll know when they're even older," they guess, keeping wisely silent.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Advice To Those Who May Be Considering Fucking With Me.

Probably, in your case my advice would be: don't.

Serious! Because come on, really - who's going to fuck with me? Where is this imbecile? What's your percentage in it? Come on, nobody's going to fuck with me. Who would want to? What could ever be in it, for them? Please. Please, thank you and you're fucking welcome. Come on.

Whoever you may be, and let's use the "indefinite you" here, to avoid needless offense - I don't want to seem aggro! I'm a friendly guy with a ton of love to give, but I don't care who you are. It's against your best interest, I'll tell you that right now. Fucking with me? Very much against your best interest! Because what the hell's it going to get you!? Fucking with me. - come on with that! Think you see an upside? If you do, you might be standing on your head thinking down's up. That's one theory. Or if you see an entry in the plus side of the ledger, in your risk/benefit analysis spreadsheet of the "hm, shall I fuck with this guy" question? Better check your damn math please. If you see a number in that column. Check the forumula in the cell, for your own sake I assure you! You messed up somewhere. You miscalculated, because respectfully, any potential benefit for you here equals zero.

So what do you think you're going to get? Fucking with me! Wow! You're not going to get rich. I tell you that! You won't get famous, no, not either - and you might get hurt. I'm not talking hurt feelings here, comrade. Because let me tell you, when it comes to you, prospectively fucking with me - I don't even fucking fuck around. You may think I do, but I'm NOT.

So ask yourself: what the fuck is this guy trying to talk about? I wasn't even planning to fuck with him! Is he trying to jump bad, is this reverse-psychology, does he WANT me to come around fucking with him? When it's clearly not even in my own best interest? What is this, some kind of ploy, a trap?

Answer: NO.

Quit overthinking things, dearie. That way leads only to fucking with yourself. Which let me tell you very specifically: you don't even want to get started down that path. It's all downside from there.

I Enjoy The Universe More Than Anything!

There should be postcards for the universe in every gift shop everywhere.

You could just pick any one of the post cards they already have, and change the place name text!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

What Does It Mean, to Update a Blog?

What does it mean, to update a blog? What does it mean to me? What does it mean to my blog? Is my blog sitting there unupdated, out-of-date, cursing my stinginess? Am I my blog's content? Am I content walking around, I, myself fully updated as my poor blog goes without, as my blog's updatedness ages without the updates it needs from me, its content stream? Would I be content to fill that role?

Or is my blog already 100% updated? At all times?

I believe it is. Perhaps it has all of the content it needs right now. Who says that the content roiling within me is content for it? Surely only I, the blog author, can make that call! And just as surely, prior to the call being made, maybe the blog's not missing anything. Maybe it's already updated. Once the call is made "hey, this goes here" - then that could constitute an "update," but the blog was already current. It was current, up-to-the-minute with all content that had as yet been released! Can't get more current than that.

There's nothing ungrammatical about "just as surely, maybe" by the way. I was retroactively impugning the surety of the "surely," that's all. A subtle touch! I only just noticed it.

At any rate, it just strikes me as weird to think that a blog could be in any way "out of date." Neglected, perhaps! But how can it be out of date? Out of date means that there have been developments in the area of the blog's scope, developments that the general public now has its hot little hands on, developments that the blog has not been updated to reflect. What could these developments possibly be? I'm not even sure what this blog's scope is. I don't think it has a scope.

Anyway. I'm updating my blog, apparently, with some of these hard questions for you: the internet! When you see a blog and it hasn't been "updated" for some time, do you assume that it is out-of-date? Or do you assume that maybe nothing has happened that was considered worth reporting, by the blog author?

I always assume somebody died. But that's me, I'm morbid.

Saturday, March 09, 2013


"Don't become a statistic," they say, yet too late. We're all born. The best we can do at this point is "Don't become a statistician."