Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Seduction Techniques #3: The "Works For Me" Method

1. Wait til' they beg.

2. Listen carefully. Very carefully.

3. Consider their needs and wishes, and determine whether they'd be likely to entail any negative, long-term bad results of the emotional (or fuck, spiritual if you swing that high) well-being of any parties concerned. We both know what the immediate upsides are likely to be, hey? 'Nough said on that score. But don't skip straight to that, over step three. Hell, examining the upsides doesn't even come into the process, that's not a step you need when you're already clearly interested in these things. STEP FOUR:

4. Act according to the dictates of your conscience. Step five?

5. Reap the sweet, hot, dirty harvest of your effing, effortlessly-effected efforts' effects.

Folks, this works for me every time - every dang time. Like a charm, it does. Like a spell, almost. It's because they can tell you didn't skip over step three! Not skipping over step three works just about every damn time. The process comes off without a hitch or a snag, just like one of those tawdry, vulgar sidebar ads touting "psychological loophole discovered in the gendered psyche of your preference, which techniques it behooves you (or so goes the overture) to seize and wield, to devastating and satisfactory who-could-even-believe-it-really-works-and-oh-shit-is-this-really-happening (yes!) effect! You should acquaint yourself with and master these techniques immediately, pal - NOW, before they are FOUND OUT and MADE TO BE AGAINST THE LAW. They work on WOMEN, if that's what you're into!"

Not that there's everything wrong with that.

There may be ones pitched at the non-gynosexual demographic as well, but if so I haven't seen them. Maybe gmail doesn't think my emails are dirty enough in the right direction to show me those.

Except the difference here is, those kinds of ads (or the products or services described, which amounts to the same damn thing) are always almost certainly BULL SHIT, at least - smells so to me. Full disclosure, I've never clicked and tried. There seems to be a number of competing outfits ganging in on that same basic pitch, and, my guess is, all different competing and conflicting creatively, wishfully-written methods, shoehorned in under the same proven basic umbrella pitch (one assumes, proven. Proven to gull the marks, I mean). Face it: there's no way most of those work, and I'd laugh loud and long at the idea any of them work at all. But the caveat is, I haven't tried them.

I haven't had to.

And now? Neither do you.

Getting to Know Me #2: What Fictional Character Am I, Anyway?

In Muppet terms, I am a Skeeter.

Correction: his name is Scooter.

Actually I'm not him. I'm a Beeker. I spell mine with two e's, though - he apparently goes with an e and an a.

Skeeter was a mistake, there, sorry - different but wrong Muppet character. For some reason I thought that dude's name WAS Skeeter. If it had been, I might not have switched to Beeker! In some real sense, I'm definitely a Skeeter. There's an awful lot of Skeeter in me, but not the way that thusly-named character portrays it.

By the way, do you know I've never once considered the question "Which Muppet Are You?" WAIT! I DID, except on the particular internet poll, options were limited to Sesame Street Muppets. (Where yes, I am indeed Snuffleupagus - and I know how to spell it, and I am not at all offended by the supposed revisionism of Mr. Snuffleupagus now being acknowledged as real by all the neighborhood. He was ALWAYS real, he just had a slow-speed shuffle-off-to-the-side while Bird's distracted by something else - a Batman move he'd perfected on his own. Anyone else could have seen him at any time, except he didn't care to hang around to be seen.)

Close second: Guy Smiley, but the point is, boy was I surprised to find how hard it was to pick my Expanded Universe/Muppet Show Muppet! I can't believe I never consciously singled out any one of those guys to identify with. What a great cast of characters, and maybe that's the problem - too many ring true to different parts of you for you to identify too strongly with any only one!

In all the other classic "pantheon of fictional beings" Who-Are-Yous, though, I pretty much know and have it locked in. I am Linus in terms of Peanuts (with Woodstock in my moon sign), Batman in terms of Superfriends (SUPERFRIENDS ONLY), Captain Marvel ("SHAZAM!!!") in terms of post-Crisis, pre-52 DC continuity, Colossus in terms of Marvel, Captain America in terms of MCU (where there are, thank God, no goddamn "X-Men" cluttering up the place with their idiotic and insulting superpowers-based Civil Rights parable - that universe, the X-Verse, DESPERATELY NEEDS to be set in a world where no one is metahuman EXCEPT for mutants, in order for its conceit to ring remotely plausible! THOR WOULD BE HATED AND FEARED, in any world where people reacted to "mutants" so poorly!

Even speaking canonically, Thor IS a mutant, if the X-Men conception of "mutant" exists. Thor was born that way, for gods' sakes. No pun intended, attempted or accomplished.)

AND DON'T TELL ME HE CAN'T BE A MUTANT BECAUSE HE'S NOT OF OUR SPECIES. The Greek gods can interbreed with us. They pass the conspeciality test with flying colors. You telling me the Norse gods CAN'T? GROW UP.

In terms of Star Wars, I'm clearly Jiangjuan Ki. I just made her up. She's of the mysterious "Grey Sith" - they use the Dark Side (including all its emotions and the power they tap and leash) for objectively altruistic purposes, although they're also very heartless about it. Very "Greater Good," very "preserve the balance."

In Star Trek terms, I am Kirk. Didn't used to be. I used to test pretty strongly as SPOCK, if you can believe it! Now it's all coming up Kirk. Maybe that's just the world we live in, forcing me to Kirk up or Kirk out, or most likely and efficaciously, both. Close second: MOTHER FUCKEN CHEKOV

"Getting to knowwww, meee-e-e-e...!"

In Scooby Doo terms I'm Velma. I'd totally scooby dooby do me.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I Just Had An "Ah-Ha!" Moment!

Then I wondered, if you go to an A-ha concert, is it chock full of such moments?

Then I forgot what the original epiphany was.

On balance, it was an "Ah, well" moment. Life is chock full of those!

Thought of the day: the impossible

AIM FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE. Settle for the inevitable.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Open Letter to My Favorite Cowgirl

Dear You,

If you ever you look around and wonder what's the point - what's good in this world that's worth all the sticking around, what do other people look to in this life? Remember: they have something you don't. Something beautiful, that fills random moments with wonder, something incredibly special to cross their paths from out of nowhere and remind, all of a sudden "yes! That's why life is so good." They something you don't have, or at least, something you're not in a very good position to see. Something truly beautiful: you, in all the moments when you're not even paying attention. They have the best view on you.

Trust me, unless you spend all day by the mirror looking deep into the eyes, your view cannot compare to theirs. Have you even seen your soul lately? Too busy checking your teeth, I think.

Everybody else in the world gets you: the best parts you choose, to try to put across. They see them even if you don't make it all the way there. But you? All you get is the whole thing, including all the icky and disappointing parts, the embarrassing memories that reflect with a cringe on some passing thing that triggers them, the parts other people barely noticed the first time and haven't thought about since, but that you can obsess on quite easily. The bad moods hidden from view, horrible thoughts rarely confessed. That's you, too, you know.

The whole thing's you, but for each and every one of us, knowing and dealing with the whole thing kind of takes the shine off ourselves. Grown accustomed to the lighting, you really can't brighten your own day - but did you know when you walk in anyone else's room - you know, you really take their breath away?

When I look into your eyes, I find it hard to find the words to say.



Sunday, January 22, 2017

The Tough Topics #39: The Revolution

Do you want to tell people they can't be mad and madder about society's problems unless they have a solution to offer, outlined in bullet-point form so you can poke holes in it? Maybe you better take a closer look at the situation, captain pragmatic rationalist. These people don't care WHAT the solution is. There is always a solution: it is called fire, and blood, and death to the weak and vulnerable among us, death to the elderly and the sick and infirm and poor, death to those holding unpopular minority views (or simply unpopular minority genes will do in a pinch), death to whoever is on the wrong side of the first revolution that suckers the weak into pouring their immeasurable strength into it. Death to whoever fares worst, surfing the societal collapse. And I suppose you think the rich and powerful will fare worse than the poor and powerless, as things start to fall apart?

Wow, do you?

Just wow. Is humanity perfectible as well? Is there a greater good that outweighs the good of indefinite you? Do others agree which good that is? That would be too easy, though, wouldn't it.

Don't worry. There's always a solution, and that solution is ON THE TABLE. It is on the table RIGHT NOW, as it always has been for the past 241 years. That solution is always on the table, as soon as enough people find nothing else on the table to live for that they can live with. Revolution is on the table. Nothing you say is going to take it off the table. Now you want to say you can't come up with anything better than that?

It will not come to revolution, as long as more attractive options can be found to put on the table. Anything is better than dismissing mounting fury over real problems with "there's nothing we can do to make it better" as it keeps getting worse. You can either put something more attractive on the table, or you can stand back with your arms crossed complaining how people keep getting madder and madder as hell "without providing workable solutions." There's no burden on you, here, except for a burden of opportunity.

If you don't come up with a more attractive solution, somebody will. It will be a very attractive solution. And what do you want to bet the solution will be a slick fiction that seduces a ton of angry people into getting behind something that won't do jack shit to fix things in the long run? What if in addition to that, the solution also provides a glorious hope and a huge release for their fury and frustration in the meantime? Gives all this rage something to do! Makes them feel like they're making progress. Change! Probably something irreversible, and bad.

"Mad with no solution" does not equal "mad for no reason." People are not stupid. Politics is stupid. People who would dearly love to live their lives focused on work, on friends, on family and on living are not STUPID. They are not avoiding the important things: those are the important things. They have their priorities STRAIGHT. And they have every right to feel rage that politicians and financiers are so fucking incompetent they can't milk the cow without KILLING IT.

So what now? Do regular people who don't even want to get involved have to rouse themselves and GET involved? Do all people of good will need to be coming up with some solutions here, or at the very least, joining in denouncing what is detestably unsatisfactory? If we don't, I assure you all people of bad will are looking very ingeniously for some way to harness this force of discontent to their benefit.

There's always revolution. Surely you can come up with a better idea than that.

Tough Topics #38: The Greater Good

Recognize tyranny by its marks: where the one is called less than the many; less than the goal; less than the cause: there is tyranny. Rarely is it imposed from above. Rarely does it run afoul of the consent of the governed. Usually, it is demanded by the governed. The weak and gullible seek shelter within tyranny's seeming strength, believing that if only they give into it, if they identify with the "us" all greater goods are felt to serve, if they condemn whatever "them" is demonized as the enemy, the adversary, the problem, their loyalty will be repaid. They'll become part of some protected "us." They embrace that there exist greater goods, which can on behalf of Us void any one of us.

Giving into this seduction protects no one, serves the good of none, endangers all. You place an inhuman expediency, guided and determined by whoever happens to hold the pen or have access to the button, above us all. Be sure of it: they will take that job on. And when it suits expediency - the moment any one of you becomes sufficiently inconvenient - the inhuman Us will crush you out. You have given it permission to.

If you believe a greater good can be more important than the unspecified individual - the indefinite you - you give your blessing. You've allowed that an individual is of less consideration than a greater good. If an individual is less than, any individual can be. It's no crime for an institution to exercise that discretion against you, once you've given it that power. You set your own one life's worth as less than a greater good as determined by others. You bless an institution with the power to set what that good should be, and it is theirs to say who shall be called less than.

More to the point, if enough of those around you give that blessing, if we let that happen, we too will be governed by that consent. A greater good than any of us will do whatever it sees fit to any one of us.

No institution sees a greater good than its own. You, the individual, will be less than the greater good. By your own will or by common consent, you, your life, your right, will be subject to a peremptory void, potentially a permanent one. Of course no one would make that decision lightly. They'd glance at the greater good first, make sure it's still bigger than individuals. It'll be a very hard call to be sure, but don't worry. You won't be the one making it.

There's one thing you can say for sure about the greater good: you are not it.

Friday, January 06, 2017

HYPOCRISY!!! Or Something Quite Like It

So I saw this out there, and I thought "Now, this is food for thought about an awful lot of things, arguably, wrong with America."

As to the image itself: I don't see anything wrong with this. At all. The face, a little maybe. But the point is, this sick aversion we're all supposed to have, to hiss and cringe at the most basic and human of all our natures - the natural animal we are, unadorned in glory or even boredom; our natural human being and all you see and all you get to do with it - this sick aversion is at the root of our worst most pervasive perversions, predations, depersonalizations and neuroses.

You can say the point of this slutshameful meme is hypocrisy: because this is the person so-called conservative Christian values advocates are, apparently, fine with being "our first lady." Well, you'd be right the point is hypocrisy: because if you're a supposed liberal, presumably with enlightened views on sexuality, personal expression, and in any case very much against "slut shaming," you're the hypocrite for creating this image. And from the so-called Christian values side, there's no hypocrisy at all in acknowledging a person who is trying to walk that road now, may have walked a far different road in the past. Or may fall down on that road, now, and get back up. That's not hypocrisy, that's the point of Christianity.

When it comes to calling shame on innocent nature, I am willing take to task any person claiming to represent any value or morals system. On the topic of the human form, on sex itself, properly-expressed. Now, "properly-expressed according to whom?" you may well ask! I solemnly assure you, it is as appropriate for religion to advance a viewpoint on the proper expression of sexuality as it is for an individual person to hold a viewpoint on proper expression of sexuality. Yet it is equally appropriate, when we see such stances advanced, and where we can see and show where the stance in question is sick, unjust, or unhealthy, we can question it. We can object to it; we can remonstrate over it. We can rebuke the stance on merit. It's not only appropriate, it may be courageous. But only if you yourself can see, show, say where it is wrong. It would be foolhardy to try, if you can't. You can't say right from wrong if you can't show and tell. But before you go looking around for the wherefores and whys of right and wrong, get one point straight: don't go blaming your nudity prudity on God.

The fig leaf wasn't God's idea, people. It was ours.

The human body, its form and expression through all variations: what's natural is not shameful. And especially, its forms of expressing in the fullest act of human union bodies and souls can come together to make, making one bucking, thrashing beast beautifully for a few minutes - something you never both come all the way back from, by the way - or for those who consensually mutually prefer their sex a bit less significant, why not? Just performed just for mutual fun, and a thrill to know you better this way; what can be called wrong about that? Casual or serious as death til you part, either way two consenting adults want to play, is FAIR PLAY. Or just one consenting adult, standing or lounged or appearing just as he or she wants, and happens to be - wearing whatever or just a killer Blue Steel. Who is disgusted by this? A human being, beautiful as may be, just as they are? Or humans being, doing any or all of the things together they do so beautifully ugly.

Who is disgusted by this? Who in that scenario is the disgusting one? What's wrong with you, America? GROW UP.

It's time we start prudeshaming the slutshamers. If we haven't already, I mean. One important point before you do, though: it's actually perfectly okay for a Christian to be a proud prude! Because you can guarantee this: a Christian will never, ever judge another's sin.

Some of them just think they can, but we already got a guy for that.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Protagonist Archetypes #3: The Girl Who Gets Fallen In Love With

One could argue that the Girl Who Gets Fallen In Love With is a weak role, not a powerful, almost most wondrous storybook archetype, as I've posited in the past in my critique, note, ode to noted actress Zooey Deschanel. People denigrate that kind of role, calling instead for a gun-totin' or sword slicin' or club bludgeonin' swashbucklerina.

These people have either read the wrong storybooks, or watched the wrong 80s and 90s and 00s reimaginings of them, or both.

Let's look at it from the flipside of the archetype: the Boy Who Gets Fallen In Love With. Don't give me this revisionist glib cynical cowardly Prince Charming stuff. I know Prince Charming. I don't know if he was valiant or not, but he's clearly a good guy, a good catch, an honorable man - rich as all fuck and cuts a damn dashing figure, besides. He is also someone who is capable of true love, as witnessed in broken spells. But I don't know if he was or wasn't courageous, in the hero-of-violence sense. Because as far as I can recall, Prince Charming never even unsheathed his sword! Not in the stories I've read. Certainly he wasn't lopping heads off with it. They just throw all that trash in there these days to pump up the junk-candy adrenaline rush, and fill out a cinematic amount of time. All distracting from the real magic of the story - the only kind of magic that sometimes comes true.

Storybooks are for children, some say. But the power they have is witnessed in the dreams they instill, which mature and endure far beyond childhood as some of the biggest and most wished-for, important gifts adulthood could bring or want. Things that the rest of life needs, for the "happily" to feel right, and fit. The power of these stories isn't founded in some laughable theory of early indoctrination and brainwashing. The themes put into these tales are simply the most powerful themes, the most powerful needs and wants that their storytellers knew. These stories were not written by children, but by grown men and women who knew what magic was possible to life. Powerful, powerful stuff.

The love of these stories is a true thing: not a false, not a lie - but never is it promised, never guaranteed. Never deserved. One can only hope for luck and fate to open a crack, and when the chance comes, it must be dared! You must seize that chance with pluck and audacious good graces. True love is not deserved, but it can be earned. The mere chance of that is rightly called fantastic.

These storytellers put in all of the highest magic of real life that they could. The most powerful adult roles are not soldiers, but lovers.

And as in fiction: so in truth. The most magical and beautiful and amazing of roles is to be the one who gets to fall in love. You who believe that's a weak role: you only think you grew up.

In actual fact, you don't even know which way.

TMI Tips #3

The vagina is naturally elastic. Chances are, you will find it can comfortably accommodate even the largest human penis size, even fully-erect, even in cases where at first blush - the dimensions may seem frightening. As a preparatory measure to ensure comfort and enjoyment (to say nothing of peace of mind), perhaps nothing could be better than sexual arousal.

All the above presupposes consent. I'd like to think that goes without saying, but that may be my typical patriarchal guy style rearing its ugly head yet again, so I err here on the side of caution, if any: guys?

Consent comes first. Then her, then you.

Ladies, please feel free to skip over any chauvinism AKA chivalry implicit in that last bit, with your characteristic and stereotypical grace. Thanks!

TMI Tips #1

Experiencing vivid, green peeps (pee-pees) lately? It could be your daily multivitamin supplement. Discontinue dosage for at least two days. If symptoms persist, consult your physician - or visit for a comprehensive, self-guided paranoiac hypochondrial symptom search.

Leave the most interesting possibilities in comments, below!

TMI Tips #2

Potatoes. Prepared artfully and well, what could be more delicious? However, as is true of so many of life's best things, moderation and responsibility are called for. Potatoes compress readily in the digestive tract. If you've recently been eating a butt ton of potatoes, be sure to take a shit whenever the opportunity presses.

You will greatly reduce your risk of an impacted fecal bolus.

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Quote of the Day (Overheard): the onus

"Some say it's onerous when the onus is on the anus, but I say...bonus."