Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Bionic Woman Pt.3

Now, I don't want it to seem like I've given this a lot of thought, but when you think about it...when you're running at top speed, so much of the forward thrust of what propels you comes not just from the quadriceps, and the calves, and the hamstrings - a whole lot of it comes from the ol' gluteus maximus and the related glutei. If you catch my drift. This isn't a prurient concern, here! It's purely practical. Because really, to be able to run at super-speed, she would need more than just two bionic legs. She would in fact have to have a whole bionic ass.

I don't know if that has been touched on, in the show. I still haven't actually seen any episodes yet.

I hear it's not bad.

Monday, November 26, 2007

How Many Worlds?

Is there one world, or are there many worlds? Some say many. I counter by saying there is only one: one world, and it includes the universe. Not the other way around! The universe is merely a part of the one world that all of us inhabit.

Some say this very view smacks of solipsism. But when faced with someone who says that, I point out to them that in fact, this view is the cornerstone of the entire foundation of much of the philosophy of my personal worldview. Then I smack them.

It has long been demonstrated that the mind contains infinitely more grains of sand than a beach, or that it makes more connections than atoms throughout the universe can, through the intermediation of their electrons. Well that's all well and good, but can't the same point be made in more concrete terms?

Yes. And once again science is there to provide us the key how.

But let's leave that aside for the moment and return to more essential matters: how is it even possible for anyone to prove anything, in a world where one world versus many worlds can even be a question? Can it be a question? I suspect that it can't be a question, that those who strive to make it a question are just stirring up dust to obscure their own intellectual limitations. They'd like us to believe that there are many worlds. But really they just wish they could get the rest of us to buy their phantasmal house of mirrors, so they could go hide in it!

Ultimately, each of us - those who feel strongly about a rational, epistemological basis for heuristics - is going to have to take it upon himself or herself to run into that house of mirrors after them, so that we can catch them and expose their shitty little semiotic tricks and gimmicks.

And then smack them.

Is It Just Me, Or Is J.K. Rowling Kinda Hot?

She didn't used to be hot. I'd swear to it. But she's looking kind of cute lately. She didn't used to be cute, either - I mean, sure. Maybe she was years ago. At school. But not in her previous "public eye" period! Prior to lately, at least.

I don't want to suggest that she's had "work done" but...I don't know. Can the right haircut make that much difference?

Seems a little implausible.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Allure and Mystique of Figure Skating

As I sat watching figure-skating with my GIRLFRIEND, I was distracted opening a beer with my teeth when suddenly my ear was caught by her sudden outburst:
"Why are the figure skating outfits so GAY? How can they still be so gay? It's such a stereotype! Look at this guy! He looks like Fag Dracula!"

In my capacity as the voice of tolerant reason, I had to point out that only a percentage of male figure skaters are gay. At the age when these kids have to start training, they're all far too young to have any real understanding of sexuality or orientation. So by the time they reach competition age, how many gay ones you end up with is purely pot-luck. The only way it could be otherwise would be if the gay gene conferred some athletic benefit, such that the young gay up-and-comers would have a performance advantage over the non-gay skaters. That would lead to a disproportionate number of straights "washing out" of the sport, not being able to "hack it" head-to-head against the genetically superior gays. But if this were the case, one would have to ask why this hypothetical gay-gene athletic boost only manifests itself in the fey end of the spectrum of competitive sport? It doesn't add up - the science just isn't there to support such claims.

Yet I had to admit that she had a point. These outfits were gay beyond reason. I did my best to explain it away: the outfits have to be gay. They can't be somber! The glittering spangles, the bold swoopy lines, the brightly colored diaphanous shreds that trail in the air - these all add visual pop to the spinning jumps and maneuvers of the program. A skater who went out there in a drab monochrome unitard would suffer for it. He'd be at a competitive disadvantage. He could put in just as much hard work and practice, but his routine would yield a less fabulous effect - just because his plain outfit lacked the snap and contrast to add visual interest to his twirls and pivots.

She admitted that made some sense. But neither one of us is convinced that that's the real whole story here.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I Don't Normally Do This

I'm not generally one to post old comic book bits so I can make fun of them, but just what the sweet what-the is going on in THIS little scene?
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

OK, I'm right on board with the program up until that last sentence by our Nazified friend on the giant's head. It's clear these two have beef. It's clear that these two are archest-enemies, endlessly entwined at each other's throats, with some sort of a history of mutually deep-seated hatred. Check the sheer vitriol: "CURSE you, BOY KING! I'll KILL you!!! Do you HEAR ME?! And I'll DESTROY your GIANT!!" At least, it sure seems clear and evident what the nature of their relationship is - right up until the point where he introduces himself.

COME ON! These two only just met? What can he possibly have against that guy's giant?!

Are you people a MORONS??!

Sorry, I've got no post really to go with that title, I just thought it was a catchy title for a post. But I've got no post, no material that matches up to it really. Because, I have the utmost respect for your intelligences. And really, why wouldn't I?

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Stephen Colbert

You know, with the right wig and makeup, Stephen Colbert could make the awesomest Ronald McDonald ever.

Isn't That A Double-Standard? #1

Isn't it a double-standard that women without clothes are considered nude? Whereas men without clothes are considered gay porn?

I mean, by me at least. But I think that could be a double-standard, and possibly a sexist one. Still though! It's good that I've brought it up as an issue. Because now that I'm aware of it, I can at least be up front with myself, and guard against it. Guard very strongly.

Still though, am I right about that or what? It seems like a broader societal-type deal. Am I right about that?

I think I am. It's more than just me though. It's prevalent.


World Recipe Debut #1: My Double-Mustard Dog

For my World Recipe Debut #1, I was going to go with my Sucka-Free Succotash, but there are some issues with letting the secret "trick" to that one out of the bag prematurely (don't want to bollix the book deal). So instead, prepare to feast (your eyes!) on the World Recipe Debut for My patented Double-Mustard Dog!!

(patent pending)

No not really, there's no patent involved! Just good old fashioned hot dog know-how and expertise. The ingredients for the recipe couldn't be simpler:
• a cooked hot dog (for more than one Double Mustard Dog, scale up the hot dog itself plus all the other ingredients by a factor of N, where N = the number of total Double Mustard Dogs you wish to arrive at)

• French's Mustard* by French's

• Our Mustard w/Seeds* by the Mendocino Jam Company (I think that's what they're called - you'll be able to tell once you taste that mustard! OH BABY!)

• a hot dog bun

Ok, here's where it gets a little tricky. For the foundational "cooking it" aspect of a lot of my recipes, I lean on Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything. Over the years I've found it to be really an excellent and reliable guide in matters culinary, but I'm so, so disillusioned now with it because - get this - I went in there looking for the details on cooking a hot dog, and came up bupkes! NOTHING! No instruction whatsoever, on one of the most basic staples of the American diet, in a book called "How to Cook EVERYTHING," no less! Can you BELIEVE IT? What does the core temperature of a done dog need to be? How hot should the pan be, to avoid that unfortunate outside sear with inner coolness? What about trickomnemnosis? Shoot, at least you'd think you'd want to have that covered at least.

For shame on you, Mr. Bittman. You let me the fuck down. I guess maybe you're saving the GOOD stuff for the sequel: How to Cook One With Everything.

Anyhow. How you get the dog to a state of cookededness is therefore a topic of some controversy. I can't advise you in these matters. But once you have completed the cooking of N hot dogs, you assemble the Famed Double Mustard Dog(s) in the following manner:

Bun. Start with bun. Gently force the bun open on the top seam (NOT the bottom seam! That will WRECK YOUR DOG irreparably, presentation-wise!).

One side of the bun, spread an even coating of French's. OPTIONAL STEP: some sweet pickle relish doesn't go amiss in this recipe. If you want some of that, put a stripe of it down the bottom of the bun. Sweet pickle relish.

Then insert the cooked dog. Next, put an even stripe of the Our Mustard w/Seeds straight down the middle of that dog - NOT TOO THICK! That's good, strong stuff already.

Then all you have to do is ENJOY! As follows:

Step 1: Eat the Double Mustard Dog.

Step 2: Burp!

*NOTE ON THE AMOUNT OF MUSTARD REQUIRED for this recipe: for most cases, one jar of each mustard will more than suffice. However, as N reaches a non-arbitrarily large number, it may be necessary to have additional jars on hand, or to purchase larger jars so that there will be mustard enough to go around. Use your head on this one.

Try New Ahhh!Swipes

Sometimes, T.P. alone just doesn't do the job. Sometimes you need something more cleansing, more refreshing. Something like Ahhhh!Swipes. Quilted, kissed with aloe, and sumptuously flushable, Ahhhh!Swipes brand toilet napkins soothe and revitalize the tender skin of your you-know-where area, after a particularly grueling you-know-what.

So the next time you're shopping in your local reputable supermarket, pick up a package of Ahhhh!Swipes. You'll be glad you did.

Ahhhh!Swipes. Classy. For your assy.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Bionic Woman Pt.2

But having said all that, I think it would be cute if - on one of the episodes where she has to take some guy into her confidence about the bionic situation, because they both have to work together to avert that week's emergency, and they develop a wary, respectful, chemistry-laden semi-flirtatious rapport with each other - at some point they should work it into their repartee so that she gets to deliver the line:

"Oh, no...these are real."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

You've Got a Bionic WHAT?

Okay, the premise for this Bionic Woman tv show makes absolutely no damn sense. They set it up so that she wakes up after a terrible accident, whatever, and she's been bionically improved because - they would have you believe - she was so badly injured that it was necessary.

WHAT! Come again? She was so badly injured that, in order to save her life, it was necessary to replace her limbs with robotic prostheses. Three of her limbs (plus one eye).

I may be a FOOL. But assuming that they were able to keep her heart and her lungs running, i.e. thereby keeping her alive at all - beyond that, is there ANY sort of life-saving procedure that is going to be "helped along" by replacing the patient's major extremities (plus invasive head surgery for the eye)? How does that work?

I think she got suckered on that one. And now she's going to have to deal with this largely unproven technology implanted into her, complete with glitchy bionic complications and health interactions for the rest of her life.

She should have gone to House.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Perfect Words

I used to be bursting with perfect words. The perfect word would leap, as if unbidden, to my tongue - just in the nick of when I was getting to that part of the sentence where I needed it. Maybe I'm getting old, or maybe it's too many years since I studied the "SAT Vocabulary Primer," or maybe it's the cumulative strain of too many 11 hour days packed into too few weeks, but whatever the cause, perfect words are hard to find these days. Whatever it is, I really miss that easy, unbidden leap.

Maybe I just need to swipe myself another one of those SAT Primers. Go to town on it.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

11/11 11:11!!

Happy ELEVEN/ELEVEN, all. As you know, the party commences at 11:11AM this morning, and continues gathering pitch and yaw until the stroke of 11:11PM tonight!! That's a baker's 11 hours of fun and festivity!!

Also as you know, all exclamation points today are doubled!!

Have a Safe and Sane Eleven Eleven.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

What if you had a REAL SPACESHIP??

Would you SELL it? Would you keep it?

I'd sell it.

But first, I'd have to steal it from you.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Lost Socratic Dialogues: Excerpt A:42/bG1.7(Tunisia)

In 1998, a team of archivists working in Tunisia, cataloguing recently-unearthed archaeological treasures, were astounded by a remarkable find: a trove of ancient manuscripts of Socratic Dialogues, including fragments of more than six previously unknown to scholarship.

As the details of the discovery have slowly come to light, debate over the authorship of these works has raged to a standstill. Some claim Plato as author. Others point to stylistic quirks and themes not present in Plato's bona fide canon, that would tend to cast doubt on his authorship. Plato partisans respond with a theory that it was the frank, explicit themes of these Dialogues that led to their suppression by later, more circumspect, more censorious ages. Another vocal faction postulates an unnamed student of Plato, emulating his master's style. But whatever the provenance of these works, no one disputes that they date from Antiquity. The window they provide into certain frank facets of Greek life is inarguably fascinating.

Not all of these works have as yet been translated and released to the English-reading public, but tantalizing excerpts have been made available through certain channels. I am very pleased to be able to share one such excerpt with you today.


And how stands it with you then, Socrates, when the tale I have heard of you is that you use not the urinal at any time, but frequent only the stall in your relievings? Is it right that a man pass water as a woman does, sitting; as a child or a Theban does, and not standing proudly while his stream passes out from him? Or do you fear exposure in some way, that you must wall yourself in privacy while you do your ordinary business? Is there then, finally, any shame in doing only what must be done? How speak you? I pray you do not adjudge my words a challenge, or rebuke me with a charge of insolence, but accept the question as your famed wisdom has always accepted all questions. I ask only that same question which has always occupied us: in life, what is right for a man to do?

Socrates. Well, anytime I'm making for the restroom, I always go for the stall. Always. There's nothing to hide there; no shame in it. Only simple practicality. At any time I may go in with the intention to piss only; only to find out once I'm in there that I also have to shit, puke, or do drugs. With the stall, you're covered every which way. The urinal just isn't always adequate to the purpose.

Theophates. Teacher Socrates, you in your wisdom always speak plain, not deigning to crown your speech with flowered wreaths and gaudy laurels. Yet in this case I cannot believe you have considered your words in the fullness of their meaning and import! I beg you do not think me rash in so saying; yet hear my objections first. Is it right to hog the stall, if the restroom has only one stall and a whole row of urinals? If one feels going in that the issue will be yellow only, and not brown? Surely when one has to go yellow, even if one then subsequently feels the opportunity to go brown - a man can master his own body if he be not in his extremity! Socrates, you see that I will state my meaning even as plain as my master's example. But Socrates, is it not righteousness to reserve the stall only unto its need, so that those who may have the greater need will not be shut out needlessly? And what then, if while at the urinal one feels a deeper urge? One can always repair to the stall thereafter. It will not be a great inconvenience if one has to wait. In a healthy man, the urgent, painful need does not come upon one unawares, suddenly, of an instant, but builds only gradually to an urgency. Surely it can not be right for a man who is in no distress to bar the way of the man who is?

Hebocrakes. And what is this you speak of drugs?

Phaeto. Speak not out of turn, Hebocrakes.

Hebocrakes. Brother Phaeto, worthy Socrates, friends and elders I beg pardon. What was it but that my mind was thrown all in disorder by this sudden talk of drugs? But step over my too-forward question. I will hold my tongue, and study upon the wisdom of those who speak, as is seemly and befitting my youth.

Socrates. Youth, Hebocrakes, has more to teach us on these matters perhaps than old age does. Yet we will return to those wide, easy plains later in our journey. First, I must attempt the craggy heights staked out by you, good Theophates. As you said, you have stated your case in plain words, and I will answer in like manner. Have you not, in your own days of youth, heard the tale of the Titan, Myrios? Who, finding himself awarded no portion of great Saturn's bequest, was forced to wander bootless in the wilds, down through the ages, with neither charge nor destiny to guide him? In those days when Athens was a mere village of rude huts, this disguised and humble wanderer found it hospitable enough. Who among us does not know the tale by heart? And again, Demalis was fair indeed - to those who approached her from the front! But if you or I met her now, we would be at mortal pains to avoid seeing her from her back side, lest the fate of Bophus overtake us too in our turn. When the thousand Helgonauts came down to parley at Thrace, it was only Phemeter whose voice could appease them, speaking thus and thus-*

~ The rest of the Dialogue of Shitias has been lost. ~

Monday, November 05, 2007

Afterthought of November 5th, 2007

There's nothing shameful about the human body. But you probably shouldn't leave a bunch of them lying around.

Thought of November 5th, 2007

The opposite of "shameful" is not "shameless."

Sunday, November 04, 2007


The purpose of death is to lend life an urgency it would otherwise lack.