Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Two Jews Walk Into A Bar.

Two jews walk into a bar. The bartender is a muslim. They all get along very well, sharing jokes and swapping personal stories for hours. The bartender doesn't drink himself, but he pours generously and the patrons tip well. After a few hours, one of the jews turns to the other and says, "here we are, two jews and a muslim. How come our people can't get along like this the world over?" The bartender thinks about it and says thoughtfully, "because we live in the richest country in the world. Dignity comes at a low cost when you're not forced to scramble for bare necessities and tear each others' throats out over living space. Without poverty, ideology is an unloaded gun." The other jew laughs and says, "I'm not touching that one!"

And so another would-be awesome joke peters out.

T-Shirt Hell Is Calling It Quits

I never heard of these guys, but apparently they've been around for a while and are now shutting down their operation for reasons of righteous pique. I read the founder's corporate suicide note and viewed some of their products.

Satire is always a tricky proposition. One might say: "The novelty t-shirt is not a fit medium for satire. People who wear novelty t-shirts are morons. They will sport a shirt with a slogan that says It's Not Gay If You Beat Them Up Afterwards with no sense of the garment's attendant irony."

The argument can be persuasive, depending on whether you do or do not personally wear novelty t-shirts. Clearly, the t-shirt in question is one that is capable of working on many levels. The person wearing it could be entirely literal and sincere, wearing those words to let the world know: "I endorse the idea of having homosexual sex, then repudiating the homosexual content of the act and expiating my guilt via brutal reprisals against my partner."

True, few who would with sincerity secretly subscribe to such an attitude would then have to balls to own up to it, right on the front of their shirt!

Another person might wear the shirt in a less personally literal way, while still subscribing to the slogan's literal content: "I like to make fun of gay stuff, and it's fun to joke about beating up gays."

So many more interpretations are possible. Literal:

"A satisfyingly violent denoument can render the morality of most questionable acts irrelevant."

"It is in fact not gay, if the only reason you engage in homosexual activity is to heighten the pain, anguish and betrayal felt by your spurned and brutalized partner after the beatdown."

"Beating them up afterwards totally voids the lighthearted, carefree and joyous aspect of what had gone before, that could otherwise have been called 'gay'."


"I use a shocking slogan to make people question their own attitudes, and to point up the violence simmering beneath the surface or our so-called social mores."

"I use this shirt to poke fun at the closeted gay-bashers who do really exist and who really do feel this way, but who would not be so bold as to put it right on a t-shirt, unless of course it became socially acceptable for them to do so by passing it off as satire."

"I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality and liberalism to jokingly hint that I might in fact be a gay-bashing closeted homosexual."

What can I say. It's a complex issue. And a complex shirt!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Duck: A Plea Against Sweetness

We who feed on duck can't help but wonder: must it always be glopped up with sweetness? Must a maple glaze or a fruity accent always intrude? Who thinks this treatment flatters the poor bird?

I yearn for and crave savory duck, duck that stands proudly up amongst hearty potatoes and vegetables and proclaims itself dinner, and not some wayward dessert that slipped as if by mistake onto the dinner plate. Dinner: real dinner, fit to be taken seriously as a square meal! Not some delicate tease of a dish, tarted and glazed with jams and sugars.

May not we savory-duck cravers too be satisified? Must every place that knows how to cook duck also take such perverse delight in fucking it up thus, in such disgustingly sweet and candified fashion? Fie! Fie upon such foul sweetness!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The All-Important Postgame Interview

Just once I'd like to see a postgame press conference where the player from the victorious team says, "People said we were scared of these guys, and they were right. All week long we were terrified that they would come out and pop a couple big plays on us. Let's face it, they're a lot better than we are. We just went out there and got lucky!"


The NFL needs to wrok out (and I do mean wrok out) an arrangement whereby:

#1 the owner owns the team, but
#2 the owner does not own the name.

The town owns the name. The town, the city, the greater metropolitan area whose fans have sustained and supported that team. They own the name. Or So Should It Be.

The league has already taken steps in this direction, with the Texans (née Oilers) and Ravens (née Browns). But it should be more than just a case of case-by-case. This should be a universal condition and requirement for ownership of any NFL team.

The owner would still be free to sell the team. But if the team should move to another market, all of the team indicia (colors, mascot, name, logo) as well as all team history and records, et cetera, remain behind. Retired, perhaps, or perhaps just dormant - waiting to be revived, if the town in question can lure a new franchise to pick up the mantle that was dropped.

The team that moves takes its current team roster, coaching staff, etc to the new market and starts absolutely fresh with NO HISTORY carried over. They would have to come up with a new name, new logo, new mascot, new uniform scheme. But they would have a window of time in which to do so! Because as part of the rules and restrictions, any team that moves to a new market has to spend their first 3 seasons in the new market going by one of the following "standby" team schemes held in reserve for teams that shift venues:

* THE CHICKENS (Example: THE LOUISVILLE CHICKENS). Team Colors: Yellow, primarily, with pink and white accents.

* THE PIGS (Example: THE LOS ANGELES PIGS). Team Colors: Pink, primarily, with blue and black accents.

* THE SHEEP (Example: THE ALBUQUERQUE SHEEP). Team Colors: Taupe, primarily, with beige and off-white accents.

If we see a whole bunch of teams moving markets, we can come up with more team schemes from Ol' MacDonald, to cover the new teams during their "hazing period" at their new location. But I don't think the need will arise.

Revenge of the Thought of the Day

Revenge is a dish best served fast. Preferably, just kind of slide it onto the table all nonchalant and slip back into the kitchen before they notice.

Don't expect much of a tip, either.

Monday, January 26, 2009

God Vs. The Fundamental Physical Laws Of The Universe

I'm no fundamentalist, but I'd like to break it down to a couple fundamentals.

Resolved: physical laws, by definition, must operate in a consistent and predictable manner, and therefore do not exhibit deference or compassion to the suffering of organisms.

Resolved: universal physical properties that did operate with deference to organisms could no longer be called laws. They would no longer function as we define physical laws to function: uniformity and predictability would be lost.

God can change anything, but if God changes a physical law into an orange, than it is no longer going to be what we call a law. And we could never learn to understand the universe solely by studying our navels.

Without the uniformity and predictability exhibited by physical laws, we could never come to understand the universe. The universe would be whimsical, capricious; it would operate according to no discoverable principles. Certainly no one in such a world could ever claim that with sufficient data we could predict everything! There would be no dependable rules from which to predict! The laws we in our universe depend on for their predictive value would all (in this alternate universe) be busy constantly altering to avoid hurting babies.

And I'm sorry, but no matter how you want to change it, if it knows what a baby is - beyond a wiggly clump of particles and forces to be acted dispassionately upon - then it isn't a fundamental law of the universe.

So to those of us who insist: God can do anything! Therefore God could eliminate suffering. Well of course God could! God could do it easily, by eliminating cause and effect, by taking away the beautiful and rational universe we can grow up in and walk around in as adults - God could take that away and substitute something far worse. God could give us a playpen instead. We could all be a bunch of babies.

It's not our job here to be babies. It's our job here to grow up, to take who we are and create who we choose to be - to create our selves. That is the gift we give back to God. It's not the universe's job to protect our children. It's our job to protect our children. It's not God's job to design a universe that babysits us. God chose instead to design the grandest canvas upon which we could and can discover ourselves, and create our selves. And of course there is room for improvement: and we can be that improvement. God chose to offer adult virtues to us, rather than forcing childish ones upon us.

But the little souls who suffer are not lost, for God has the power to catch them all. And this world we have is so much better for not being created a padded, painless, lessonless, stifling playpen. And God is so much more compassionate, for not treating all of us like babies.

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.9

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Finishing up with with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Whew! That was a bit of an undertaking, but as I said, well worth it. Just look at how much deeper and more significant my labels seem now. My blog is rich with plot developments!

Some of these would totally make good verses for "It's the End of the World As We Know It": Martial arts virginity, champagne shootout, sex trade, pistol whip, birth-day-par-ty! Broken mirror agent, concert foot chase, surveillance! Deception! Punched-in-the-face!

It's the End of the World As We Know It...!

Or even "We Didn't Start the Fire".

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.8

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Continuing with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.7

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Continuing with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.6

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Continuing with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.5

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Continuing with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.4

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Continuing with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.3

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

Continuing with...

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.2

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken Pt.2

~ For Pt. 1 and the associated explanatory remarks, click HERE ~

OK, I figured I'd just split this up into multiple posts, so I could fit all these plot keywords in as labels. As the ERROR puts it, "The combined length of all the labels must be at most 200 characters."

That's including spaces! Ugh. This is going to take 10 posts!

But it's also going to be worth it. Man, this is going to spruce up my label list something awesome!

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »

Plot Keywords from for the New Liam Neeson Flick Taken

I'm not sure what this particular feature is for, but it does give one an almost haiku-like, fractured, cubist-imagery understanding of what the film might be about! Check it:

Plot keywords for
Taken (2008/I) More at IMDbPro »
Human Trafficking
Female In Bra And Panties
Tortured To Death
Shot In The Stomach
Shot In The Arm
Handcuffed To Pipe
One Word Title
Cut Arm
Tape Recorder
Stabbed In The Arm
Attempted Murder
Spit In The Face
Drug Addiction
Flashback Sequence
Neck Breaking Scene
Stealing Car
Raised Middle Finger
Car Crash
Climb Through Window
Shot In The Forehead
Pop Star
Shot Through Window
Kicked In The Face
Hit In The Throat
Impersonating A Police Officer
Fall From Height
Chase Scene
Girl In Bra And Panties
Dragging Body
Thrown Off Balcony
Held At Gunpoint
Pistol Whip
Stabbed In The Chest
Shot In The Back
Car Chase
Shot In The Leg
Jump Through Window
Revenge Motive
Blood Splatter
Chase On Boat
Father Daughter Relationship
Shot To Death
Shot In The Shoulder
Kicked In The Crotch
Trapped In Elevator
Camera Phone
Tied To Bedpost
Door Slam
Stabbed In The Leg
Ex Wife
Shot In The Chest
Overturning Car
Martial Arts
Sex Trade
Birthday Party
Hiding Under Bed
Foot Chase
Kick Door In
Broken Mirror
Righteous Rage
Tied To Chair
Punched In The Face
Jumping Off Bridge
Divorced Couple
Hit By Truck

WOW! Read through all that at high speed - you tell me the effect is anything but cinematic!

I'm really grooving on some of these labels. Revenge. And then a little later...Revenge Motive. But that seems a little needless to say, does it not? Surely Revenge Motive is subsumed within Revenge. If there's no motive, you can't really call it revenge, can you? Can I just punch a complete stanger in the face walking by and cry, "YES!!! REVENGE IS MINE!!"

Well, okay, maybe I could. Point taken. But most people could not pull that off. Most people, in order to be able to get revenge, would have to have some sort of motive for doing so.

I tried to paste in every one of these keywords into my labels, but it wouldn't fit. There's a 200 character limit, alas. I'll keep it pasted here, in case they ever fix that field to limitless:
Human Trafficking, Female In Bra And Panties, Tortured To Death, Profanity, Translation, Shot In The Stomach, Extortion, Tattoo, Shot In The Arm, Handcuffed To Pipe, Knife, One Word Title, Cut Arm, Tape Recorder, Electrocution, Stabbed In The Arm, Attempted Murder, Spit In The Face, Drug Addiction, Flashback Sequence, Karaoke, Neck Breaking Scene, Stepfather, Stealing Car, Raised Middle Finger, Car Crash, Climb Through Window, Shot In The Forehead, Pop Star, Revenge, Shot Through Window, Corruption, Kicked In The Face, Hit In The Throat, Boat, Impersonating A Police Officer, Fall From Height, Chase Scene, Girl In Bra And Panties, Murder, Dragging Body, Thrown Off Balcony, Elevator, Held At Gunpoint, Pistol Whip, Auction, Stabbed In The Chest, Shot In The Back, Car Chase, Torture, Shot In The Leg, Prostitute, Jump Through Window, Revenge Motive, Paris, Strangulation, Immigrant, Screaming, Blood Splatter, Chase On Boat, Corpse, Father Daughter Relationship, Bodyguard, Shot To Death, Shot In The Shoulder, Kicked In The Crotch, Trapped In Elevator, Camera Phone, Tied To Bedpost, Door Slam, Stabbed In The Leg, Ex Wife, Shot In The Chest, Overturning Car, Martial Arts, Virginity, Champagne, Shootout, Sex Trade, Birthday Party, Surveillance, Deception, Hiding Under Bed, Agent, Kidnapping, Foot Chase, Concert, Kick Door In, Broken Mirror, Righteous Rage, Tied To Chair, Punched In The Face, Jumping Off Bridge, Needle, Explosion, Divorced Couple, Hit By Truck, Abduction,

Boy. If I only could get those all plot keywords into my labels, imagine how much more awesome and exciting my label list could be! Wow.

Who exactly chooses these plot keywords for, I wonder? This film hasn't even been released to theaters yet! Is this a preliminary list, based on the trailer only? Or do film studios do sneak previews for the imdb plot keyword czar?

Man! I so want that gig. That would feel more prestigious and influential to me than being a film critic, for instance. Because film critics, hey, they blather on about opinion this, criticism that...who cares? Ultimately. Who cares. But if you're the Plot Keyword Czar, hell. You got it made! You don't even have to disrupt your filmgoing experience to think about what you think about the film. You can just sit back and watch, and check plot keywords off your list: Hit By Truck, check. Punched In The Face, check. Female in Bra and Panties, check. Oooo, Door Slam!


Friday, January 23, 2009

Wake Up! to the Cleansing Power of SOAP

Is your hair matted and lifeless? Has your complexion lost its luster under a greasy sheen of oils and brown smudges of caked-on dirt? Does a rank, sour odor precede you into the room, and linger long after you have left?

If you answered “yes” to these questions, then it's time for you to Wake Up! Wake up to the Cleansing Power of Soap!

A bar of soap – what could be more fresh and clean! Hold it! In your hand, under a stream of hot water, fresh from the tap! That soap wakes up instantly, becoming pert and slippery, bursting with life and joie de vivre – your playful little bath-time pal, instantly alert to your skin’s needs and eager to satisfy them completely with rubbing, scrubbing, bubbly, hot, wet action!

But don’t let your bubbly buddy go it alone. No! For best results, you need to “LOOFA UP, PARDNER!” That’s right! Take your loofa in hand! Yes, a loofa! This clean, rough and fluffy buffer should hang from its own hook in every tub and shower across the land! Ready to buff. Ready to exfoliate! Ready to bubble and scrub! The humble loofa – full of holes, perhaps, but each hole traps lather and works with the action of soap and hot water to coax forth an abundance and a superabundance of sudsy foam! Yes, with a quick assist from your simple bar of soap, with a rapid rough scouring of that wet & ready bar, this mild-mannered crumpled clump of well-perforated meshiness transforms into a lather-packing powerhouse of clean!

So LOOFA UP! Grab it! Soap it! Lather it up! Build yourself a power handful of hot, white, good-smelling suds. Then, scrub-a-dub-dub that weary, beleaguered skin of yours until it glows fresh and rosy-raw! Until your skin runs white with mounds of sweet soapy foam, and zesty with the zing of that fresh clean scent! Yes! Work that soapy loofa into all your nooks and crannies. Don’t be ashamed if you feel a bit excited! That’s just the power of soap in action, working hand-in-hand with soap’s sassy best pal and lifelong confidante – the loofa. When dirt rears its ugly head, and clean becomes job #1, what better tandem then these proven two?

It’s best not to bother yourself with questions as to exactly how they do their sweet, clean work so well – don’t ask! The loofa shares secrets that only the soap ever knows. But fret not - that glow of healthy, clean skin all over your shining, supple, bare-ass nude body as you leap eagerly from the shower into the soft, gathering warmth of your waiting clean, dry bath towel – well, friend, that clean skin feeling is all the answer that your questioning flesh needs to know!

Got it? Good! Now - Go Take A Bath!

Hot, Man-on-Man Love! Is It Always an Abomination Before The Lord?

That's a question that I leave to the theologians! But I will tell you this: I have never been more excited about saving money! And I've figured out absolutely no good way to do it!

Still, where there's a will there's a way they say, and I'm determined to keep going until I find a will.

So. Does anybody want to die and leave me a whole lot of money?

Preferably nobody I know and love! I don't want it that bad. That's not worth the exchange. Instead, ideally, I'd be looking for someone who I don't know at all, a complete and utter stranger who deeply recognizes and admires my literary bent, my genuine sincerity, my hard and uncompromising take on the real issues, and my never-ending dedication to the search for intelligent life on other planets. And who, you know, wants to leave me their millions in recognition of all that. Or just for random, inscrutable reasons of their own. I won't ask!

So there's that option. Let's call that Plan A.

Panting with Secret Life

I'm glowing with it. It suffuses my waking moments, at times of the day a faraway look will steal behind my eyes, my expression will drift across the room and bump into the furniture and I'll start humming to myself abstractly, over and over, over and over, with snatches of words sung mumbledly, "...we could create ~ something magical, honey"

Then my feet start shifting, numb, tingling, lifting off the floor and there's a static charge in my fingertips. My hand runs over the top of my head and it crackles. Suddenly I return to myself with a loud *SNAP!!* of sudden consciousness! and I realize what I've always known in the bottom of my heart about the truth of love.

Which is what? Which is what? The meaning slips back again like a thief!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Big Disappointment

The trouble with a post title like that is, how to follow it up? For starters, how do I know your expectations have been sufficiently raised by the post title, in order that the post content can then provide the promised Big Disappointment?

It's a bit of a paradox. But as paradoxes go, it's a bit of a disappointment.

Next Time Somebody Wants to Fuck with Me...! Pt.2

And oh yeah - make sure there are at least a couple other people back there with you, behind my back, before you do it. Otherwise...I'm going to figure that out.

Next Time Somebody Wants To Fuck With Me...!

I tell you, the next time somebody wants to try fucking with me, they better try it behind my back so I can't see who it was, and then when I whip around all fast and I'm all like "HEY-!" "WHO DID IT!?" "Which one of you prissy little stinkhats is responsible...!?" But they'd be all like, "I didn't do it," "shrug," look away etc etc, and so I just start to fume and maybe kick the doorjamb.

That's just some advice for you. I don't advise fucking with me regardless - but if you're going to do it, do it that way. Safer.

History Will Be My Judge

If I were the President, I would be my own Surgeon General. But I guess first I'd have to get an M.D., though. That might be a bit of a pain in the ass. They don't award those hororarily.

The "General" part would be a snap, by comparison! As Commander-In-Chief, and therefore Lord Of The Generals, I could appoint myself as many stars as I wanted! FIVE STARS!!

My Presidency would go down as one of the most memorable ever.

Friday, January 16, 2009

America and God: A Natural History and Meditation in Five Acts: Act 1: In The Beginning

When God made America, God made America great. If Americans were made in God's own image and likeness, then America was made in the image and likeness of Paradise: vast purpled stretches of land! Pouting mountains crouching in tumbled lumps! Lakes, so clear and pure that their surface reflects heaven! Flowers the size of gigantic trees!

When God was quite done making it, after smudging the last imitationed fossil into the rocky midwest substrate with his mighty thumb, God straightened up, dusted his hands, and looked out across America. God saw that it was great. "There's just one thing missing," God thought. "This place needs some Americans."

The first Americans brought in were the ones later called Indians. They were Native, in the sense that within the first couple generations after arrival, most of them were being born here. But God was having a hard time with some of their customs. "It's HOLY Spirit, not Great Spirit! Jesus Christ, do I have to send you down there again?" "Not me, Dad. It's not my time. Besides, I don't mind the crucifiction bit - it's important to the master plan, I know - but these folks don't seem to be the crucifying kind. What good can it possibly do for me to get scalped?" "True enough. You just convert the rest of the world, and then we can send them in for these guys."

Which is pretty much how it happened. But who could have foretold the sad consequences? For as was said of old: the best laid plans of mice and man gang aft agley, and leave us nought but grief and pain for promised joy.

- End of Act I -

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Shock of Being Suddenly Destroyed

The shock of being suddenly destroyed. Can any of us truly imagine it? I mean, can any of us really, truly imagine what that would be like, the shock of that?

I know I can. I have an AWESOME imagination! I'm like, boo yah, any time I think of something - there's practically nothing I can think of that I can't also imagine.

It's partly because my head was set on fire once, in a dream. Wow, that hurt.

But these days, the shoe's on the other foot - and I'm the one setting peoples' heads on fire! It doesn't really impress them, though, because...I think they realize it's a dream. I think everybody in my dreams knows it's a dream. But do they realize that it is in fact my dream? I think some of them do. Some of them seem to be humoring me.

I don't know, I'm kind of sick of the fantastic. I'd like a nice normal restful dream. It seems like dreams are plagued by shitty plotting and bad special effects. I want contemplative dreams. I want profound dreams. If I don't start getting them...I'm going to have to start setting peoples' heads on fire.

Monday, January 12, 2009

People Always Ask Me #4: What About That Album?

People always ask me when's my album coming out. I tell them look, don't ask me when that album's coming out! That's my business, not yours.

We creative types can't be putting secondary concerns like that first. That album'll come out when I say - and not when you ask. So don't ask. You keep asking, when I don't want to hear the question, hey buddy guess what - it may NEVER come out if that's going to be the case! I'm not about to let my output be dictated to by someone else's timetable. FORGET IT.

Actually no one has asked me that. But do I have an answer handy.

God Versus Logic, Round Zero

There is no "God versus Logic." God and logic are not opposed. There is nothing in the universe to either logically contradict God's existence OR to logically establish God's existence. Logic cannot make that leap. If you claim otherwise, then: Wonderful! PROVE IT! That is what logic is for! That is what logic is all about; that is the great thing about logic: Logic can prove it. Logic can show its work. Logic can put up or shut up!

I love logic, for these and assorted other reasons.

Faith, on the other hand, can't put up (can't shut up either, really). Faith does not prove. That is why it's faith - you have to take it on faith. Care to call that circular logic? Sorry, the charge doesn't wash. Open a dictionary, read the ordinary, common, everyday definitions of the word. This is not a logical process. We do not need to argue this out: the word means what it means. Those who have a problem with the definition of faith need to take it up with the dictionary. Better start lobbying now.

A theist like me isn't claiming to base belief in God on logic. Further: any theist who does claim to base belief in God on logic is not a God-worshipper at all, but a logic-worshipper. Such a one has placed logic above God. They claim to believe in God "because"...and if they are even the slightest bit logical, they can even list the reasons why. But what becomes of their belief, once the "because" is invalidated? As it always is! None of the logical "proofs" of God can hold water under scrutiny. If such a "believer" truly did base their belief in God on logic, then their belief would perforce perish along with its supposed basis.

While I love logic, I don't place logic above God. It is no hypocrisy on the part of any intelligent believer, simply to point out the limits of logic. Logic's limits are its strengths. Logic can offer proof - but only if the evidence is there and the reasoning is sound. Without those limits, logic would have no rigor, and no probative value.

Hypocrisy is on the side of those who boast and claim to let logic reign supreme, only to abandon it when it comes to demonstrating their logic - to showing any shred of logical argument or proofs. A good example is the atheist who claims a contradiction between God and logic. The world is full of such atheists. They don't know what logic entails, they just like the sound of the word. What they really have is blind faith in logic, and in what they believe logic proves. They believe 100% that logic rules out God. Even though they can't show where, even though they haven't the slightest idea how. They just close their eyes and leap.

As do we all. Whichever way we leap: the atheist leaps one way, the theist another. OK, technically the agnostic doesn't leap. Chicken!

Skepticism doesn't rule out God, it just calls belief in God a sin. The best a skeptic can do is point out that the theistic premise is incompatible with the skeptic's high moral ideal, which could be expressed as: "It is wrong to believe in the truth of a proposition whose truth cannot be established by logical means." Should anyone be surprised that theism fails this test? There's no point disputing that this is a moral ideal, by the way. The moral component cannot be subtracted without rendering it a meaningless tautology: "It is illogical to believe in the truth of a proposition whose truth cannot be established by logical means."

No way: logic is supposed to be logical? Yippee, but we knew that. Logic is supposed to be logical. Complaining that faith is not logic-based is like complaining that English is not math-based, or that music is not chemistry-based.

Belief isn't a courtroom. Neither side has a burden of proof, here. But more important than that: neither side has even the ability to prove. I am not trying to change anyone's mind about the existence of God. I'm just pointing out what is obvious: the existence of God does not logically conflict with anything in the now known universe.

Theists. Atheists. Each side believes something about God's existence or non-existence. Neither is capable of logically undermining the other's position.

To debate would be absurd.

Thought of the Day: Rock

Anybody who needs to be told they rock doesn't rock.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Better Than List

A. Coca-Cola is Better Than Pepsi.
B. McDonald's is Better Than Burger King.
C. Mr. Pibb is Better Than DrPepper.
D. Star Wars is Better Than Star Trek.
E. Elvis is Better Than The Beatles.
F. Buddy Holly is Better Than Elvis.
G. Bill Haley is Better Than Elvis.
H. L.A. Confidential is Better Than Chinatown.

I admit, on one or two of's a pretty slim margin.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The Federal Budget: An In-Depth Analysis, with Recommendations

Have you SEEN the Federal Budget? It's ridiculous! It's enormous. Gigantic. Written thick with gibberish. Plus, what about the tax code? Same thing! Those things are impossible to read! They make them too big and thick, so the little guy can't see what's going on.

I think it's deliberate, and that needs to change. There should be a law that it can't be all complicated. It should be a simple 1 page document in plain English that says what's-what, and as far as the details, if details are needed then just make it be interpreted according to common sense and decency!

Another idea I had is that if they need me to sit in a big chair and deliberate specific cases brought to me by petitioners, then the petitioners should be sent in in a certain fixed order by ticket number, and every 10th one through the door gets the noose. Nobody in the line outside the door knows where they stand as far as being the 10th, but they know they stand a 1-in-ten chance of snuffing it. That ought to cut down on petitioners.

Note: the petitioners would be forced to sit in the lobby and wait for their number to be called - no standing in line! And not every number would correspond to a ticket, so there'd be no real way to figure where you were in the order.

I think that the first one through the door in the morning would also be arbitrarily designated as anywhere from 1st-10th on a random basis, and proceed from there. That way everybody gets a chance.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Your Humble Poet: An Examination of Technique, and Sweet Potato Fries Pt.3

It's interesting to see the evolution of a "poem in one go." Let me give you a glimpse into the process. This was the first draft:

"Sweet Potato Fries"

I've got eyes
for her sweet potato fries!
I've got a nose
for that sweet hot wafting odor of those!
I've got a mouth
for them good ol' down-home classic-style sweet potato fries like they serve down South!
and when she puts them fries in the oven
all I ever do is holler
over and over
"take 'em out!" "take 'em out!"
Because I can't wait to dig right in
I can't wait to feel hot sweet fries warm in my belly
but she will serve no sweet potato fries
before they're sweet potato fried

I decided the 1st draft sucked, so I pretty much replaced it with the second draft. Oh, I should possibly credit the original sources* for some of the raw text elements used as grist for my grinding mill of poetic inspiration. I snatched up those raw materials from hither and thither, and then I cut, snipped, slapped, and collaged the final poem together using nothing but the hard, glistening sheen of my poetic eye, which is very unsparing as poetic eyes go.

The technique employed is what some might call one of those "found poem" deals, where you start with something not poetic at all - but then! - you use those lines, you truncate, you omit, you rearrange until you have something that looks like a poem!

Really though, to make it look like a poem, all you'd really have to do is cut all the lines into arbitrary lengths, and add some interstitial spaces to make it seem pleasingly stanzafied. Maybe sprinkle a few barely-intended rhymes throughout. That's optional - salt to taste.

It's amazing how easy it is! But then, I make it look so easy. That's why I'm so humble, really - because I make it look so easy. If you want to walk around bragging about it, you have to make it look hard.

Your Humble Poet: An Examination of Technique, and Sweet Potato Fries Pt.2

"Sweet Potato Fries"

He won’t eat them. He turns his nose
My husband doesn’t like sweet potatoes
Preheat oven to 425 degrees
It’s one of many veggies
He turns his nose up when I mention them.
So the other night, I whipped up a batch
that he just doesn’t like.

Oven Baked Sweet Potato Fries
Preheat oven to 425 degrees
Yum! Two kinds of low-fat fries
made a batch for he and I.
with dinner . . . perfect.

Did I mention that
my husband hates sweet potatoes?
Okay, just checking. That’s important.
See, you can imagine my surprise
saw me plating the food and asked for some
he ate the whole handful
I plopped in his plate and
declared “not bad.”
High praise,

ate a bunch.
These were really yummy.
He asked to eat them.
Of course, I couldn’t say no
when I wanted to eat them all myself
How can you say no to that?

Perhaps better than requesting some,
High praise, ladies and gentlemen. High praise.
I plopped on his plate
and declared “not bad.”
High praise,

Of course,
I’ve tried to make sweet potato fries before,
I hand cut mine,
Preheat oven to 425 degrees
but they never came out as tasty as these.

Oven Baked Sweet Potato Fries
sweet potatoes, olive oil, kosher
salt, paprika, cinnamon

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil
Peel the sweet potatoes.
Cut into strips

Plop on his plate
and declare "not bad."
High praise,

Your Humble Poet: An Examination of Technique, and Sweet Potato Fries Pt.1

Plush - like an old bath robe, her


Nothing like it anywhere on earth,
said the sign...


And What! When! How! Who then dares!
to break the fake chain of circumstance, to


I'm not really feeling the poem-in-one-go today.

Maybe I just need to come up with a topic. Sometimes the words won't lead you there. WAIT! I just remembered - didn't I get a post topic request? Ah, yeas.

Results Are IN: Science Wins!

Here it comes again, for your face. Another entry in the age-old false dilemma of "God Versus Science." But this time - HOLD ONTO YOUR POPE HATS! - This time, SCIENCE WINS! Why?? Because look: God created Science. Therefore, God must have felt insufficient into and of-from Godself, without Science being there. Therefore Science is greater than God.

The same could be said for sea water, or light, or chocolate cake, or anything else God created. Because why did God create them? Why did God create them unless God found Godself alone to be lacking? That's some proofalicious reasoning right there. You just can't argue with logic like that. IPSO! ERGO! FACTO! TOTUM!

Boo ya.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

They Might Be Giants: Random Museations

I'd say The Spine has stood my test of time. I still listen to it quite a lot. The songs that grabbed me less now grab me more than they grabbed then, but the songs that grabbed me in the first place now grab harder, with more authority, as if they have earned the right and the privilege to do so. Which they have.

My favorite is still "It's Kickin' In" - even though by any rational standard, "Broke In Two" is a superior piece of pure pop songcraft.

I guess I really need to give The Else another spin. I only gave that one like ONE SPIN. I was going to take it on a road trip, forgot to take it, left it behind, and then...left it behind.

Another one I never gave it's due chance? Factory Showroom.