Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Thursday, January 31, 2008

NFL Rulebook Fever!

I just found out the answer to the question that's been dogging me all these years. It is still legal to drop-kick a field goal in the NFL, however, you can't just punt it through the uprights. If a punt goes through the uprights, it's a touchback.

So what's the difference between a drop-kick and a punt, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. A punt is what you call it when the center snaps the ball to the kicker [ed: the punter] who then catches the ball maybe runs forward a couple steps, drops the ball straight down and kicks it [ed: punts it] in midair before it even has a chance to hit the ground. A drop-kick, however, requires that the ball hit the ground. The kicker catches the ball snapped from the snapper [ed: the CENTER], drops it letting it bounce off the ground, and as it bounces up, kicks it for a field goal. This looks similar to a punt [ed: no it doesn't].

Nobody drop-kicks field goals anymore since they changed the ball shape (it used to be rounder), but in the golden old days of the league the drop-kick used to be the main way to kick 'em - and it's still a perfectly legal way to boot it through the uprights for a score!

3 points!

Next week: find out why you can't just smack the referee's ass any old time.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Unfashionable Thought of the Day

Accusations of fashionableness are the last resort of the unfashionable.

Life Lessons #7: Oral Hygiene Warning

Never use a straightened paperclip as a toothpick. Trust me, just don't. Especially if you don't have your fillings memorized.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Signs I'm Lying.

Alright! SWEET! So these are among the little unconscious tipoffs that people who know look for to determine whether someone is lying. I'm going to memorize every damn one of these and start slipping them into my repertoire of looks and poses whenever possible, in whatever conversational context. I always tell the truth anyway - I'm pathologically honest - but with THESE little moves going for me, those who subscribe to these tipoffs will be befuddled and flummoxed! "Wait - he's lying!! But why??!!"

That'll show the pompous nimrods. Thinking a cheap little pack of dime-store psychology tricks gives them the trumps on everyone else's truthfulness! Meanwhile, those innocent of the whole technique will be none the wiser. They'll just be like...that guy sure has an itchy nose.

Heh heh heh heh!

Deceit tipoffs (compiled from reputable sources):
* monotonous tone, garbled words or syntax, mumbling or speaking softly
* uncomfortable with silences, pauses etc - so may speak more than usual, with needless details or repetition
* incorporates your words into their answer. Example: "Did you blah blah yadda blah?" "No, I did not blah blah yadda blah."
* avoids contractions. Example: "I did not blah blah yadda blah."
* avoids direct statements, implying rather than directly denying or asserting. Example: "Why on Earth would I blah blah yadda blah?"
* avoids a subject using humor or sarcasm

* avoids eye contact
* stiff, limited facial expression
* touching of mouth, face or throat.
* repeated scratching or touching nose, or behind the ear
* arm and hand movements limited, and are generally towards their own body (taking up less space)
* unlikely to touch chest/heart with an open hand

* timing seems off: person makes a "happy/positive" statement, then smiles after making the statement rather than at the same time. OR person's emotional response seems to linger longer than natural, then stops suddenly.
* reaction seems contradictory: person makes "happy" statement but is frowning, for example.
* reaction limited to mouth rather than involving whole face

* gets defensive
* turns away head or body
* unconsciously places objects between themselves and their interlocutor, or retreats behind a barrier (e.g. a desk)
* TRY SUDDENLY CHANGING THE SUBJECT! The liar may gratefully go along, the truthful person may return to the subject to get resolution on the accusation.

So yeah. Wait 'til I try this out. I'm going to be using it ALL THE TIME.

The tough part will be remembering all that crap! I want to be able to cram in as many as possible (unobtrusively).

Admittedly, I kind of half-knew most of these already (I read women's magazines in waiting rooms), but I was waiting to gather together a more comprehensive approach before I "went for it." Not that the above list is complete. There's a ton of other stuff. There's that whole involved thing of whether your eyes are looking up to the left or to the right, but frankly, it's too complicated - depending on handedness and other factors, and the purity of my handedness or brainedness (right/left-wise) has always been a little bit mixed up frankly. Plus, I can never remember whether it's my right or their right?

So I'll start with the basics. See if I can flush out any suckers.

OOOoo, I just had a great idea on the best place to use these! Theological discussions (or any other discussion where the truth value is essentially unprovable). The person would be like, "how can he possibly be lying about the purpose and nature of Christ's sacrifice?!" They'd be forced to conclude that I've got some kind of inside scoop.

Which I do.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Behold - The Masked Cape!

So anyway, I was sick and bored and came across this thing where you can make your own superhero:
Make Your Own Superhero

And being a big ol' geek or at the very least, a geek sympathizer, I took a whack at it. But it got kind of tedious halfway through, though. I started running out of steam. They give you so many choices, super-suit wise. So many options. It might have been more down to me being under the weather, but in any case, I got sick of it and stopped short a few key items. Still, I was able to cover for my laziness by moving the cape to the front. Behold: The Masked Cape!:


Do-badders tremble.

EDIT: after a while, I thought, "this hero needs a sidekick." So I dipped deep into the creative well that wells up within me and created The Caped Mask!


The Caped Mask is of the opinion that The Masked Cape is her sidekick, and not the other way around. And I wouldn't argue with her - she's got a snake.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

This Blog Is Asterisk-Enabled

Not all, but some of the posts in the blog have asterisks within the text of the post. For most of the recent posts where there has been asterisk required, I've taken the step of hotlinking the asterisk to the footnote, rather then putting the footnote in an awkward clump at the bottom of the post. One click takes you to the footnote, and your back button takes you back.

I may go back and enable all the asterisks in the older posts at some point, if I ever get to the point where I'd do anything so psychotically fussy.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

In An Unguarded Moment

He shrugged his shoulders with an almost hostile emphasis, a red glint in his flinty glare - the reflected coal of his glowing cigarette. Almost absently, he put his hand to his cheek, the smoke from the butt drifting into his eyes in the still cold air. He was slowly shaking his head, dazed. Almost inaudibly, he answered: "No."

"He's lying," she thought - but it was a thought unfinished, incomplete, as if waiting for the end of its own sentence. She had nothing to finish it with. She had no proof.

"I'm going to have to get out of here next," he said, and dragged on the dregs of the cigarette - his last cigarette. The last white circle of paper crisped into ash and the coal dropped off the singed filter. "There's nothing left of me. For us. Nothing left for tonight, anyway."

"I know," she said, fighting the catch that kept trying to well up in her throat as she spoke. "I know from experience. You've got a place to be, anywhere but with me."

He was irritated now. "We've talked and we've talked about this. I can't see why we bother - it does no good! It's as if the sun rolls over the edge and back up around the other side, and suddenly the whole thing's undiscussed again!"

Her face changed, but she was unaware of it.

He started. "Hey - it's okay, it's not like - "

Suddenly he was thrown backwards against the dirty brick of the wall, her hands and forearms behind his neck and head, her down jacket sleeves a pillow - his hair spread out upon it - her eyes an inch from his. A split second recognition. Then they kissed. It became a poem.
We taste like lakes of
writhing snakes
- cool washcloth,
on tormented heat -
a kiss that never ends,
that lingers on in mind
through days and weeks
All our sour goodbye kisses
holding on and latching on
final lungfuls underwater
desperate interlocking lunge
"do we really have to go?
will this be the last we see?"
- a kiss that never ends, until
it drags us back, to

"Gah!" he pulled himself apart from her, broke containment - looked at her, helplessly, exasperated. "I love you. But I hate when you do that. You promised me you wouldn't do that anymore."

"I'm sorry," she lied. "I won't anymore."

"No more poem-kisses!" It was a question.

"No more poem-kisses," she breathed out, a wisp of smoke curling from her lips.

Friday, January 18, 2008

True Story. But What's it Mean?

So, true story. Today I'm at the lunch truck, grabbing a quick bite, when I hear this loud motor, up in the sky, the sound getting closer. I look up, and it's a helicopter. One of those old jobs. Big round body with a long straight tail sticking out the back, chugging along very slowly, low in the sky. Sounded like the motor might be missing a rubber band or two, but going steady nonetheless. So I say to the guy, the cook, inside the truck - he's an Asian guy - "that looks like one OLD 'copter!" And he points up towards it (I don't know how well he can see it, from inside the truck, but he can hear the noise sure enough) and says with few words, a great many hand gestures, and a broad smile on his face: "That thing" (pointing) "1975" - "Vietnam" (then gestures wildly with his hands) "POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!" - "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Well, I laughed too, but I'm not sure I got the joke. Then he handed me my chicken bacon sandwich.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Oh yes. I'm a published writer!

You want to know exactly how many letters I've written to the letters page of a national publication?

One. Exactly one. On a lark!

And you want to know exactly how many of those letters have been published?

You guessed it: ALL OF THEM.

That's because of my gift. I have a gift. For writing.

I can't tell you what publication it was, because they put my real name on there. Also, they completely disemboweled it in the editing. Still, even with the drastic and unnecessary cuts, I have to admit I have a point. I can see why they picked me, over the hordes of undeserving others.

Gotta admit, it feels good!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Creative Anachronism, Indeed.

Ever notice how all those folks at a Renaissance Faire always show up dressed for medieval times and not the Renaissance? It's all knights and ladies. Nobody shows up dressed as Copernicus. Or Leonardo Da Vinci.

Maybe they will now, though. What with that whole Dan Brown thing.

Children Are Funny And Disgusting!

But I love 'em. Those little blighters are the future of us all!

Steady on, wee lads and lasses.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

On True Martial Arts Mastery Pt.4

If I examine the truth of it a little, I have to admit I'm not so much a martial artist as a martial art critic.

Like in those old kung fu movies, where that one guy will keep saying stuff like, "your style is weak! Who was your master?" I'm like that guy.

Present Tension

Gerrath: "The history of the future begins now!"

Psyquo: "When you said that, you were already in the past."

When you think about it, none of us are in the present. None of us will ever experience Now. We are all living just a little bit in the past. This is because all of our sensory input takes just the tiniest bit of time to make its way into our eyes, ears, skins, tongues, and nostrils, and then the sensed impulses take just the tiniest bit of time to travel the nerves to the brain, and then the brain takes just the tiniest bit of time to assemble that input and process it into cognition.

As a result of that tiny lag, we will always be forever a sliver of a tick behind the present. What we think is now, is actually the past.

Embrace the Then.

Accuracy of Internet Porn Search Called Into Question

I undertook this purely from a standpoint of sociological investigation, and the results were provocative to say the least:
(NOTE: when you search, you have to use the quotation marks because you're after that specific phrase - not just pages that have those words randomly placed near some unrelated picture)

Google images search for "perfect ass": 65,700 results.

Google images search for "imperfect ass": 26 results.

research purposes only, Safe Search has been set to 'off')
These results strike me as a likely gross distortion of how real-world asses break down proportionally, perfect versus imperfect.

I didn't investigate further. It seemed like it could take a turn for the prurient. Besides, at first blush, the figures already do a pretty good job of supporting my vague contention. So I'll leave it to others to pick up where my groundbreaking investigatory work leaves off.

As is my wont.

Another Thing I've Noticed

Occasionally, I refer to myself as "this guy." Kind if with a mental emphasis: "this guy!" As if jerking a thumb at one's own chest: "you don't even need worry about it - not with this guy!" Only not quite so heavy a mental emphasis as to warrant actual use of italics. It's all more of a gentle undertone, really.

Anyway, I think it's pretty clear from the context whether I'm using "this guy" to refer to me, or I'm using "this guy" to refer to some other guy. I can't really go back and check all the instances, but I'm sure I keep it pretty clear.

A Theological Bent

Once again I can't help but notice that the blog has taken a decidedly theological bent recently. That's always a threat to happen with this guy, wrapped up as I am in the glory of the grace of God. It's a preoccupation of mine.

Anyway, I was kind of saddened the other day because I was talking on the phone with a very dear casual acquaintance of mine, and we wandered into the whole God bit, conversationally, and were talking about Jesus, and I said something that just kind's hard to describe.

I had a moment.

My mind went limpid for a minute, and I reeled off in only about three to six sentences what the whole idea of Jesus meant to me - right there, in a very spontaneous and immediate way. And there was this silence on the line, and then she told me she'd never thought of it like that. She even seemed just a teensy bit floored by it, in a good way, and she thanked me. Then we kind of discussed it in a bit more depth, and perhaps (I may have been imagining this) almost excitedly. Almost. Just a tinge. Needless to say, the whole thing was a pretty sweet hit to the ego for me!

But now, later, trying to remember exactly what it was that I did say...of course I can't even SLIGHTLY RECALL how I framed it! IDIOT!!! I mean, yeah, of course I know the whole bloated scope of the concept; it's all still in there, congealed in the thick and layered pudding of my mind. I've probably disgorged whole fat aspects of it right here on the blog, only I've buried the real point in such a corpulently verbose overflow of otiose verbiage that any impact it might have had was sucked under.

And now, I can't for the life of me remember how I distilled it. In that clear moment. Into just its brief essence. It's lost now, part of a moment that was shared and then passed. Which is very cool, though! Still very cool. But I'd have loved to be able to remember how I put it! Just for my own sake, that's all.

I guess that's all a part of the mystery, now.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

On True Martial Arts Mastery Pt.3

I beat people like you up as a form of meditation.


I beat up people like you as a form of meditation.

I can't decide which one's better. Obviously, a tip of the nod to #2 grammar-wise, but are grammatical threats really more effective? The other one sounds a little more rough and tumble!

On True Martial Arts Mastery Pt.2

I was born into kung fu slavery, but now I am become a Master.

On True Martial Arts Mastery

When it comes to the martial arts, you may call yourself a martial artist, and you may think you know what that means, but when it comes to being a martial artist I'm like, the Bob Ross of martial artists.

The best there ever was.

Don't make me break out my "Happy Trees" Technique.

The Asterisk on the Word "Fuck"

*but seriously. I'm saying it now, I've said it before and I'll say it again: the concept that one sound or group of sounds is somehow arbitrarily "offensive," when another with an identical denotative value is acceptable for use, is a moronic and harmful concept in several ways:
• as children, the concept of profanity teaches us to accept unreason. We learn that words are “bad” based not on their meanings, but on an impossible-to-justify and quite frankly, superstitious reverence for the quasi-magical power of the “bad word.” One word means sex and is okay to use. Another word means sex and is loaded with special power. Bad power. That is some outright childish bullshit for a so-called adult to be filling a child's mind with!

• as adults, the concept of profanity harms us by giving other people unearned power over us. They need not even strain their feeble minds to upset and insult us. Just say one of the magic words, and we fold - as they wish - into anger or tears.
It’s especially ridiculous when (as most often happens) the word in question is being used in a way that is empty of literal meaning: as an expletive. An expletive, like “gosh” or “dang” is an expletive. Or as a mere intensifier: “it’s fucking cold in here.” Words used in these ways don’t even have the supposedly dirty meaning that could be attributed to them when used literally! Although, as noted above, the very idea of a “dirty” meaning is a sham, considering the fact that every bad word shares its identical literal meaning with many “clean” synonyms.

Those who give weight to profanity, or who teach others to respect the concept, are guilty of perpetuating intellectual cowardice.

Now There's New Cinnstead

For a long time there was just the pink packet. But over the past decade, the options for artificial sugar substitute lovers have grown and grown. Now, your restaurant table's brown plastic sugar bin blooms with a whole pastel rainbow of packets pink, yellow and blue! To say nothing of white and brown.

But if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, why does sugar get all the love? What about all the cinnamon aficionados out there, forced to make do with the real thing in the absence of any widely-available artificial substitute? Well, fret no longer, cinnamon-lovers! Those days are over. Now you have a choice.

Now there's new Cinnstead™.

In the orange packet.

Second-Guessing the Greats #1

Right after Chigurh wastes the roomful of Mexicans in the motel room directly behind Moss's room (having been led there by the beeping transponder), he searches the room for the money to no avail. Then he sees the ventilation grate, opens it - empty! Nothing.

I think that there should have been a very quick scene of Chigurh hastening back next door to his own room, and a close-up on the now no longer beeping transponder.

The vanishments!

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Thorny Theological Poser?

Not to be rude or anything, but why is it always "The Virgin Mary" and yet it's never "The Virgin Jesus"?

I mean, presumably the leading theologians are at least quasi-united on that one as well. Just look at all the uproar with that whole The Last Temptation of Christ movie! Where, as I understand it, the worst that happens is that Jesus is depicted as thinking about sex.

So like I'm saying, there really should be nothing rude or controversial about the question itself, right? It's just a question.

And it deserves an answer.

Love This Life. Don't wait 'til the next one comes.

I FUCKING LOVE LIFE. It's so precious to me. I can't even tell any of you how precious. I love my family and my girlfriend, and my job. I love my job in the abstract. I love the good work that I know I could do, if they ever fucking hire any support for me. I love life. I love life so much. I have to take a moment to reaffirm all of this, because for a moment today - a brief moment, my mind wandered and I suddenly realized I was considering suicide. I have never, ever before ever done that, as far as I know. Not really.

Now, calm down. I wasn't planning anything. It wasn't an urge, really. It was more a consideration. An abstract, dispassionate consideration. But that's the GATEWAY, though, RIGHT?! Back me up on that! First you're all "oh, let's consider this in the abstract" and then next, you're registering for a skydiving class. And I have to say, FUCK THAT NOISE!! I will NEVER commit suicide! NEVAH!!! What, over a JOB??!!! FUCK that! Quit the JOB first, don't quit LIFE. But anyway, I can't quit or kill myself yet, because I've got way too much shit I have to finish first. I'm not leaving people in the lurch. That's not my style.

So anyway, I just wanted to put that out there. So you know. If my body turns up, I was FUCKING MURDERED!!!!!!!!!

But my girlfriend didn't do it.

Top-Notch Gossip

I have been stinting you guys on the gossip. The personal slice of what's up in my life. Sorry. I'll try to do better, but I've always been a private kind of guy. I guess I could make something up. I don't mind sharing something made-up with you guys, about my life. But not about me and anyone real, though! Because that's their business, and none of yours. How about me and somebody unspecified and fictional? Sure!

So I said to her I said, "You know what? The problem is, we're too alike. You and me. We're both emotional sluts" and then she was like, "fucks that supposed to mean" and I was like "well, I don't know, it just kind of rings true doesn't it" and she was like "you got me there, you have a point. It kind of does" and then I was like "yeah, but where does that leave us?" and she said "I don't know, where were we before? Probably it leaves us in the same place."

And then we both kind of smiled and winked and stuff.

There you go! That's TOP-NOTCH GOSSIP!

Thursday, January 10, 2008


"Murder" is defined as the taking of human life in a manner not sanctioned by the State.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

This Christmas Wish is ON-TIME.

I'm sending you a Christmas wish full of thoughts. Thoughts of good, theologically sound, thematically relevant things. Like Christmas itself, for instance. A miracle, some say. I say: "you said it." The true meaning of Christmas can sometimes get lost in the shuffle, but it isn't diminished for all of the foreground spectacle and calloo callay and goings on. It is too sublime, too transcendent - and even when we're less aware of it than we should be, still it casts its warm glow over the proceedings.

We were meant to rejoice. This world is a gift to us, even as Christ is God's gift to the world. This Christmas season, let the herald angels hearken unto our song - as we give rising voice to a ringing hymn of praise that will one day swamp the toy boats of tyrants and dictators, murderers and fanatics, and unite all nations in joy, in justice, tranquil beneath the heavens under the supreme peace and goodwill of God.

Praying for that, and for you, and for yours, in this time of abundant trials and abundant blessings. May you have more than your share of the latter!


No, really. I mean it.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Godproofing Our Schools

dogimo: Hello, everyone. Here we are again with another edition of Special Guest Shot. I'd like to welcome to the program special guest Rico Koebeson from C & S Separation Contractors & Consulting.

Rico Koebeson: Thank you, dogimo. Pleased as punch to be here.

dogimo: Could you tell us a little bit about what you do...? Because I for one find it fascinating.

Rico Koebeson: Well, as we all know, the separation of church and state is a core idea that goes back to the founding days. Yet for almost 200 years we pretty much left it as just an idea. Nothing was really done about it.

dogimo: I noticed that.

Rico Koebeson: Well all of that's changed now, what with all your school shootings and zero tolerance and what have you. There's a greater scrutiny involved, and the consensus says: "Get God Out!"

dogimo: Out of public schools, you mean.

Rico Koebeson: Exactly. Well - we're only doing schools right now, but we do hope to expand our operations to other public buildings and facilities. Our track record of success speaks for itself.

dogimo: Go on about that. This is where it gets interesting! Could you give us a little background about the problem, and your methods to combat it?

Rico Koebeson: Indeed it does get interesting! It's an exciting field to be in, frankly. The problem is simple. God is everywhere, right? How do you keep God out of schools, given the fact that God permeates every building and location on the planet? Some speculate that this quandary is what lay at the root of the long lag in enforcement of church/state separation, and I buy that line. Because up until recently, there was very little you could do about God in our schools - from a practical standpoint.

dogimo: Which is where you come in.

Rico Koebeson: Well, me, and of course the scientific minds who have made what I do possible. I'd like to just mention Dr. Destuartes at U of Alaska who is a particular mentor to me. He and I worked out some of the applications and I tested them myself, so I'm pretty proud of that. The science of Godproofing is in its infancy, but already we've made great strides.

dogimo: How does it work? How do you do it?

Rico Koebeson: Well, there are trade secrets involved of course, but I can give you the layman's version. Dr. Destuartes had his hands full taking all different materials - from the common, to the exotic, even materials that were purported to have mythological or superstitious significance! - and testing them to see which were most effective at repelling God. It was a long process of trial and error, but eventually he hit upon a composite mesh of nylon, fiber-optic wire, aluminum foil, and a few things I can't tell you about.

dogimo: Intriguing! So you just...throw it over the school or what?

Rico Koebeson: No, first we get into the walls of the school, and we install the composite mesh so that it becomes interwoven with all the outer walls of the structure. Then we run a low-voltage current through it, which actuates the God-repelling field. You actually have to use a special generator, because the current has to be at a very specific frequency in order for it to work.

dogimo: What if the generator fails?

Rico Koebeson: Thought of it! If the generator fails, it automatically trips the fire alarm and all the kids run outside to safety before God really has a chance to seep back in.

dogimo: But God's outside too, right?

Rico Koebeson: Well, yeah, but nobody cares if God's outside. We just don't want God in the schools. Certainly not while our kids are in there.

dogimo: What about the associated grounds, the football field, et cetera?

Rico Koebeson: Nobody's talking about keeping God out of football. That couldn't be done, everyone knows God takes a keen interest in football. I mean, I see what you're saying, but really all people are worried about is keeping God out of the school itself, where the children are learning their science lessons.

dogimo: So if the coach wants to, say, motivate the team by making some metaphor about intelligent design...

Rico Koebeson: You know, I'd really not rather get into that. I Godproof the school building, that's my area of concern.

dogimo: Fair enough. How do you know it works?

Rico Koebeson: Inside the building, we have God detectors installed.

dogimo: So if one goes off...?

Rico Koebeson: They never do.

dogimo: Sounds like a pretty foolproof system! Thanks for coming on to tell us about it.

Rico Koebeson: A pleasure. Thanks for having me.

By the way - let's get the record set straight here, for starters

Do I flatter you terribly?

Well, wait, hold up there, of course I don't flatter you at all - and I resent the accusation! But sometimes, the glittering sheen of some of my unadorned truths may come across as being flattery, to the untrained eye. And if that's the way they come across to you, all I have to say about that is: TRAIN YOUR EYE. You should KNOW better! How DARE you, in fact. Because these are unadorned truths.

Better get used to the unadorned truth, when you're hanging around this guy.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Proving the Future Wrong

Sorry, I got nothing to back that up. But damn, it's a thrilling concept. What if there were like, paragraphs after paragraphs to this post, and they were apt to that!! Apt to that concept.

That'd be thrilling.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Suicide Tips #1: Sky-Diving

If I've got to go, and I've got to go by a means of my own devising (which, by the way, I don't - not on either count - but nevertheless), if the time comes when I can't stand the physical or psychic pain of this here life no longer, and I've just got to END IT ALL - I am going to take up sky-diving.

Sky-diving is by far and away the best way to go, suicide-wise.

If I shoot myself in the head - who am I trying to fool, buddy? People are supposed to feel sorry for me, when I'm clearly some kind of bitter, angry jerk who just wants to leave the biggest possible mess behind for others to clean up? That's such a wuss move*. Total passive-aggressive bullshit! And everybody knows it, nobody is getting fooled by that maneuver. You might as well hang a sign on your back. Then you have your pills or poison...I don't know, this seems like the least reliable method! People accuse you of a cry for help, when you were dead serious. I would NOT be in the mood to entertain hearing some shit like that at that point! I'd be like, "Cry for help? I'll give you something to cry for help about!!"

Sky-diving is definitely the most comprehensive and considerate form of suicide. I mean, you slit your wrists in the tub - everybody else is going to want to slit theirs! It's AWFUL! It's depressing. They all have to start moping around, saying things like "aw, he or she must have been in such terrible pain...and we never just goes to show how even when someone seems happy they're probably dying on the inside!" Who wants to perpetuate that bullshit? It's a myth, anyhow. Most people don't want to kill themselves.

Do they?

Shoot, I hope not. That'd really suck if they did.

Anyway, "But for those who do..." - why not sky-dive? That's how I'd do it. A thrilling and graceful exit!

When you SKY-DIVE...hey! Everybody's like, "Oh, a tragedy! How awful! - but at least he or she died living life to the fullest. He or she was always so vibrant, so full of love of life and hope and beauty, just thrilled to face each day...he or she was just a testament to the enduring power of the fullness of the joy of life, and an inspiration to all around. And that's how we'll always remember him or her!"

See what I'm saying? Isn't that the better way to go?

It's perfect. No one else needs to feel guilty, or even all that sad. You're responsible for packing your own jetpack, right? Or backpack, whatever they call it - what do they call it? Parachute! And then when you're really, really ready to go (get a few/half-dozen solo jumps under your belt first! #1 to make the whole thing look plausible, but #2 because you don't want your instructor to feel bad, like you weren't properly trained, when that final jump goes south), you just take that parachute and you pack it in all bad, so it can't open right. Same with the other chute. You get a spare.

And then - WHOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

All the way down!

Far as anybody knows, you went out happy.

A Word About All The Profanity.


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

OK. What the Heck is a TARDIS?

You know the TARDIS. That big phone booth Doctor Who uses, to get from here to there and from then to when. It makes a giant sound effect and then fades out, and he's off on another Time Lord style adventure.

Well that's all well and good, but what precisely IS a TARDIS? They tell us that it stands for "Time And Relative Dimensions In Space."

That's just not okay with me.

As a sci-fi acronym, I guess they've picked some reasonably relevant words, but it's not been strung together at all sensibly. How can something BE a "Time And Relative Dimensions In Space"? That isn't what it is! That's just what it travels through. It's like saying "Oh, I'm going to hop in my Cities And Roads and pip over to Derbyshire." No. It's not a "Cities And Roads." It's a device to travel through cities and roads. If you will, a DUTTTCAR.

Time And Relative Dimensions In Space just doesn't work. At the very least, it would have to be a Reactor Exploiting Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.

Or, you know. Something similar.