Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Don't Understand This Whole Climbing of Mt. Everest.

What's the point? It's an achievement is it? Dang. I'm not really impressed or interested. Look, if you go, please try to whittle it down to an anecdote before you tell me all about it, ok? Thanks.

Hell, I wouldn't even parachute onto that thing. Waste of time getting down.

I mean, at least with Kilimanjaro you get some scenery to go with your view. And it's probably a heck of a lot warmer! I mean, rock and ice and snow, really now. That's just depressing and monotonous.

Hey, here's an idea though! There should be an Everest Casino in Vegas. Like 1/4 scale or something.

You know. For people who like that sort of thing.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Thought of the day: towards imagination

The imagination must be met half-way, and no more. Every step further treads it under.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

More Down-Home Derring-Don'ts

Man, if I had chickens hatching, that'd be the first thing I'd do. I'd count 'em. Right that second! I'd barely be able to wait!

In fact, come to think of it I don't think I would wait. I'm just the sort of guy not to. Why, I picture me sitting proudly on the porch, looking out on a yard of happily scratching and pecking chicks n' chickens, and with a sideways nod and a wink to my visitor, I'd indicate "See all those chickens? I counted every last one of them before they hatched."

And the visitor would of course say something suitably polite, like "Well, then!"

That's when I'd hit 'em with the stun-clincher: "And before that...? When they were just eggs? I kept every last one of them in the same basket."

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Doodeloo #80: Because The World Needs More Heroes Pt.2

They call him: "MR. SAD."

Actually everybody calls him "Dead Bird Man" but same difference.

Because The World Needs More Heroes

There should totally be a superhero with a picture of a DEAD BIRD on his chest as his logo. Awesome!

He could be called "Mr. Sad," and if you ever tried to fight him, he would tell you the story of what happened to the bird. It was his pet bird.

Nobody can stand up to this story. The story plus the picture of the bird on his chest - too sad to stand up to, another victory for justice.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Another Top-Notch Product Idea.

You know what I want? I want a wristwatch where the hour hand is a funnel-cloud and the minutehand is lightning.

So that it would be a Tornado Watch.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Late Night Programming: Time To Get Creative!

There should be a talk show where Matt Damon is always the guest, and they just keep bringing in a new host every night to interview him.

"Ahhhh for FUCK'S SAKE!"

A lot of the time, when people say "for fuck's sake!" - I think what they really mean is "Gosh!" or "Darn!"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Rapture, Pt. 2

I just realized I'm going to come off like such an idiot if I vanish without a trace tonight. That'd be a rare sort of hypocrisy, huh?

I'm forward-posting this now for Sunday's God Blog Theology Post. If that's the last you ever hear from me, oh well! It will be an eloquent testament as to the fact that Jesus saves not based on whether you believed in some dickhead's rapture prediction.

Anyway, the point of the whole thing is not: you're an idiot if you believe you're going to get all SWOOPED UP BY GOD. That'll be fine by me, I assure you. I won't mind however God wants to run it. Sweet deal.

But #1, from a Biblical Authoritative standpoint, the verses cited to support "Rapture" are considerably thinner than the verses Catholics cite to support "Purgatory." And #2, nobody but nobody is right to trick people and tell them that faith's true course is to spit on and walk away from this life while it's still going on. This life, which is a gift from God - and the greatest of God's gifts most of us have seen so far.

Every day we spend on this earth is precious. You believe in Jesus? Are you a Christian? WELL GOOD! Spend your time here being the engaged body of Christ on earth, then. Every day you spend that way, engaged in Grace and living in the active love of God for all the least of our brothers and sisters - who, you know, you might be in a position to succor? - every day you live you walk in the light of God, and that lamp held high that you make of yourself can light others' ways as well. If you've got a job to do as a Christian - that's the job. Live this life engaged. There is much to do.

There is much to do, but not for me to be saved. Salvation's not my concern; I trust Jesus. You don't need to "be ready" or "get ready" for the end. You just need to live at rest in Christ, and trust Christ's got you covered. There is much to do, but it's not for you that you need to do it.

Look: when your number's called, you'll go. Jesus hasn't called you to give up and walk away even one second before the end. Jesus certainly hasn't called you to lead others to reject God's gift of this life, even one second before the end.

Ask yourself what you're doing on this earth. Killing time 'til the end?

Is that what Christ called you to do?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Justification of the Day.

"I'm not a critic. I just wish that deserving people were perfect."

Oh, Jesus. I Guess I Wasn't Paying Attention. The Rapture Is Tonight?

Look: I believe in God, and Harold Camping is a piece of shi*. For the sick minds of "believers" like him, "belief" in God is very much not the concern. Belief in God won't save you - no, you need to believe in this trumped-up event I've "researched," promoted, and taken contributions to publicize! Stop your life! Devote it to this, that's the acid test of faith!

It's the most stinking, vile, unbiblical pile of heresy imaginable. We are not told to stop our lives for the coming of the Son of Man! We are told that when that day comes, NO ONE will know the hour. We are to be eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage. This guy comes along and tells people that the idea is they need to pull out of life to prove their faith! That's not right.

Camping: come the revelation, you will be the first one up against the wall.

Troilus and Cressida?

Troilus and Cressida?

Castor and Pollux. Twins, I know! But what did they do?

They weren't the ones who were weaned from the teat of a wolf-bitch to go on and found Rome. That was Remus and Romulus.

Laurel and Hardy? Which one's Laurel, again?

Abbott and Costello. That's easy, Costello's the one always going Heyyyy, Abb-ott! Did you know that when they first tried to move the act to radio, because they had originally been stage performers (that wasn't why they tried to move the act), it was almost a total bust, because listeners couldn't tell the voices of the two men apart! As if "Who's On First" was not confusing enough. It was then that Costello began talking in that trademark affectedly high-pitched mincing tone.

True story! I found that one out when I went to Wikipedia to look up which one's Abbott.

Famous pairs, ladies and gentleman. Famous pairs.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

DON'T YOU DARE Cut That Hair!

I love your hair that length! It looks perfect already - it's getting even better as it grows! It suits you so well. Your face, your body. Your outfit, even.

You want to cut it SHORT?? COME ON! What? WHY? What are you trying to prove - what message are you trying to send? What's this image you're trying to change, and what are you trying to change it to?

You should know you look great, with your hair this way. You look like YOU. Who are you trying to look like?

Is this a power thing? An empowerment thing? I know sometimes people want to seize some dramatic moment, make a radical but ultimately superficial change to their appearance as a way of putting forth some symbol of inner change. Is that what this is about? Don't do it! You don't have anything to prove! Who are you trying to change into - who are you trying to be? Who are you, anyway? Have we met before? You look very familiar!

Anyway, I heard you talking about this haircut you're contemplating, and I just want to say: big mistake, don't DO it. Just don't. Please. Ask around - if the word of a concerned but impartial stranger's not good enough for you, don't take my word for it - other people will definitely back me up on this! Or else if they don't, those people aren't being true friends to you, that's all. Anybody who tells you go do this is just a yes-man. Watch out.

If you really want to make a change for the better, lose the goatee.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Convenience Is a State of Mind

So I got a Big Gulp at the Seven Elev, and by "Big Gulp" I mean a SLURPEE. When was the last time I had one of those? Holy cow! I just had a sudden crave for the coldest quench your throat can get.

That red stuff came out of the nozzle so fast. I thought I cut it off in time. I almost cut it off in time - but that's Cherry FANTA, son. It's carbonated. It fizzed up. Up almost to the top - - ! Up to the top...I'm like, "It's stopping!" "Should I sip it?" "I didn't pay yet!"

Come on. Picture some class dude like me, dressed as I was (class), taking big gulps of his Slurpee, right there at the fountain. Please. No way.

Anyway, a little bit fizzed up and dripped over the top of the cup. A few rills and rivulets. I leaned back and to the right and pulled three napkins, then I crouched down, mopped the fountain counter and the splash down the front, wiped the little red puddle on the floor. Tossed the damp pinkened wads in the wastebasket, straightened up and then I noticed the guy was looking at me from across the store like I was from outer space. Like maybe he'd never seen a dude clean his own mess in his store before.

I defused the situation with a quick back head-nod / chin-toss and a gruff, "S'UP."

We were cool.

Monday, May 16, 2011

The Grand Canyon's Just a Bunch of Bull-Shit

The Grand Canyon's so totally fucking stupid, okay? There's just so many aspects of it that are stupid, I don't even know where to start.

Okay: the Colorado River, right? That thing flows all the way down all that way, from up in the Rocky Mountains all the way down to the bay or gulf of whatever way down south. Except it doesn't dig a big stupid fucking hole all that way does it? No, it doesn't! So what's the difference where the Grand Canyon is?

I say the ground there is weak. I say we have a case of weak ground, to start with, and then some big fucking puddle comes tear-assing through there for about a billion years, carried all the dirt away with it and now we're left with this hole. Which we're supposed to celebrate.

What is there to celebrate about that? The fuckin' WEAK GROUND is cause for awe and tourism? Fuck, how about we celebrate the land both North and South of the so-called "Grand" canyon - how about we celebrate THAT? Let's praise the ground that stood its ground? That held firm? That demonstrated the true grit of our American Heritage and values? But no, instead we waste our laurels on some damn hole that basically had as its main achievement, that it wore away. Basically, we praise the fact that the dirt there couldn't hack it, and took off.

The Grand Canyon represents all that's worst about the American Landscape. I say we quit making such a big deal out of it. It's damn hole, okay?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

You Don't Really See Wine Coolers Advertised These Days.

I would like a wine cooler. But I wish they had grape flavor. How come they don't have grape flavor?

Seems like that would be a natural.


Okay, first: I love this song. This is my favorite Human League song ever. YES, EVEN MORE THAN THE ONE WHERE YOU WERE WORKING AS A WAITRESS IN A COCKTAIL BAR! When I found you.

But it's really staggering how malfunky this thing is. I swear. Just listen from the beginning to where it really kicks into high gear. It sounds like the main synth riff and the "bass" line are having a ROBOT WAR. This song was made for Whitey to dance to. You will be all, "oop, that shimmy jerk was off-beat - no wait! It would have been off-beat, but good ol' Human League put an off-beat BEAT there - as if to save my ass!" Thank you Human League!

"Well the truth may need some re-arranging..." - haha! I love that line.

Suddenly I have the suspicion I've posted this video before. And said substantially all the same shit.

Well, I guess it bears repeating, then!

Fascination, baby. Keep Feelin'.

Friday, May 13, 2011


It is not human nature to be cruel, any more than it is human nature to be good, any more than it is human nature to be evil. But perception is human nature, imagination is human nature, and fascination with what we see or imagine is human nature. If we have a good imagination, then not all of what we imagine is good. And when we see a thing - if we really look at it, then we will see the other side of it as well. What we see will not be all good.

We cannot help but notice aspects cruel, good, evil, all of them - because each object and situation contains these potentialities. And we are fascinated by the effect that we ourselves can have. We do often wonder what would happen if we were to do....the "wrong thing."

Most of us, happily, pass through whatever imaginings and fascinations preoccupy us, and in the end we gravitate towards a desire to have an effect that isn't directly harmful to others. Most of us do.

Some of us, generally unhappily, do not.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Traditions, Traditions

My girlfriend's hockey legs are getting kind of out of control. She hasn't shaved since the playoffs started!

The weird thing is, I didn't even realize she liked hockey.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Saturday, May 07, 2011

You've Got Two Songs.

So some people were claiming a song sucked because the song contains elements that the listeners considered to be "ripped off" from an earlier song. You know what? I'm afraid I have to take the unpopular view, here: who cares?

You've got two songs. Listen to them both, side-by-side, and judge between: which is the better song? Not "Which song has the better trivia backstory?" Or "Which song is more of an impressive technical achievement given the prevailing cultural environment and state of the art at the time of its creation?" When it was written, who wrote it, what significant trends did it touch off, what were its influences - if you can't get into music at a deeper level than that, if you can't reach music and let music reach you at a level where this kind of trivia is irrelevant, then you're just a critic.

Nothing wrong with being a critic! I'm a bit of a critic myself. But I'm not "just a critic." Critical, theoretical and formal concerns are never going to come between me and a piece of music. I love theory, but...priorities, people. Priorities. Love music MORE than theory, please. If it's in you! Love music more than trivia.

And I love trivia, too! Trivia is a delight in itself. But the silly and inconsequential delight in the nifty little trivia and history behind a thing - that trivia is a perfectly harmless, separate extra thing to enjoy. Backstory can be fun. But it can't even begin to touch or change the intrinsic worth of the piece itself. If it's a a work of art, then there is some intrinsic and eternal worth in the thing itself. "Originality" is a wholly trivial concern, next to that. Pure relation-to-context. Wholly separate and severable from the thing itself. Say otherwise? Say the worth of the work depends even slightly on context? You mean, you really don't believe a work of art has its own intrinsic worth? Wow. Do you see with those eyes? Hear with those ears? Think with that brain? Is it your senses that are deficient? Or just the size of your soul.

Ah, well. To each his or her own.

Still, I'm curious. Getting back to music - those of you who feel the context and minutia that surrounds a song's creation can make the song itself worth more or worth less (or even "worthless!") - what the heck do you value about a piece of music, anyway? Is it...the piece of music? Or is it the "about"? Do you identify as a music fan? Or as a music critic? You can be both, of course! I am. But if the trivia and circumstance surrounding the music outweighs the music, for you...well, you may be both, but you're a poor excuse for either.

You've got two songs.

Table the surrounding aspects: the minutia of a song's composition. Set aside when a piece was written, by whom or under what circumstances. You've got two SONGS. Can you judge them each on merit, each in itself as a song? Or can you not? Pretty pathetic excuse for a music critic, if you can't! And if for you, the trivia and minutia can eclipse the actual piece of music...pretty pathetic excuse for a music fan as well.

Precedence cuts no ice with my EARS. Nor originality. People prize originality, on a basis that seems to boil down to: originality is harder to do. Well, maybe it is harder to do. Is that your priority? You love music because it was hard to make? Go listen to a beginner's orchestra taking murderous stabs at Rachmaninoff why don't you. Enjoy.

If two songs are related to each other in some way, the first song is not the better song. The better song is the better song. It doesn't make an asspinch of difference which came first. It certainly doesn't matter if the second song "could never have been written without" the first one. Who cares? Jets go better than biplanes, don't they?

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Budget Crisis? SOLVED.

I just figured this out. I can't believe all these so-called "Economists" are so supposedly good at math! Because how easy is this??

All we have to do is find something infinite. And then, tax it.

How easy is that? And it wouldn't even need to be a really onerous tax, either. Say, a modest 8%.

Done. Next?

Doodeloo #79

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I'm Eating Rold Gold Pretzels,

I'm eating Rold Gold pretzels. "Classic Style" Thins.

I'm also eating Snyder's of Hanover. "Mini."

Which one's better?

Sorry Snyder's! I've got to give it to Rold Gold. The flavor has a hint of buttery sheen to it. Synder's is a strong and robust pretzel! Perfect for being washed down with a flood of refreshing Steinlager. But I have to give it to the Rold Gold.

A superior product.

Click the 'pretzels' label for more posts about pretzels!

Thought of the Day: Misuse

If the biggest thing you can fault a thing for is its misuse, then the thing itself is probably good.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Quote of the Day: Or Is It?

"Reality's not an illusion, it's a misunderstanding."

I'm A Sex-Phone Superstar!

So yeah, at first I was just looking for another job on the side, make a little money from home, you know? Flexible hours within my schedule. But it turns out, I'm a born Sex Phone Practitioner! It's like I've discovered my true calling: and it's sex phone. When it comes to sex phone, I'm like a triple threat plus - I can make ALL your fantasies come true! As long as they involve nothing more involved than a phone call, I mean. These are the limits within which I must operate, just as all artists must operate within the certain limits of their chosen form.

But within that sex phone context, I reign supreme! Like, say a caller wants me to pretend to be a woman. EASY. I'm all:

"Oh yeah. My p**** is all hot and wet, and my nipples are so erect."

Or if they want a gay dude - look, I don't judge. Like I said: I'm an artist. There's no shame in my craft. Will "Fresh Prince" Smith played a gay dude one time, and just look at his wife! That's right - no gay rubbed on that dude whatsoever. So sure, if the caller wants a gay dude, that's just my chance to stretch my range as an actor:

"Oh yeah. My butt-h*** is all hot and wet, and my penis is so erect."

Or suppose the caller is more into dinosaurs:

"Oh yeah. My cloaca is all hot and wet, and my dorsal spine fringe is so erect."

I pretty much always picture myself as Dimetrodon, on the dinosaur calls. Dimetrodon's the sexiest.

One thing I won't do, though: I don't do the funny voices. That's kind of demeaning.

I'm an American of African Ancestry! Are You?

And I do mean: I am 100%. I am Full-blooded. ALL of my ancestry goes all the way back.

And yeah, I'm pretty proud of that. But I'm also very tolerant, I'm very accepting and embracing of others! Are there any Americans out there who aren't of 100% African ancestry?

Any non homo-sapiens in the house??

We'd love to hear from you! Stick it in the comments.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

God's So Bored With Irony

Omniscience makes pretty much everything ironic.

Bored? You Must Not Be a Very Good Procrastinator.

A true procrastinator is never bored. It's the people who do shit who get bored. "There's nothing to do!"

They run out. Whereas a real procrastinator - if ever the feeling that there's "nothing to do" begins to tickle (boredom never gnaws a procrastinator) - just has to lift his or her eyes and look around. Oh, boy. There's plenty to do.

This is also the key to why procrastinators are so boundlessly inventive. It takes real ingenuity to come up with the endless parade of things to do, in lieu of the accumulating slew of things you don't.

Inner Revelations #3

I'm a hopeless optimist.